I feel like the world is ending and I’m just sitting here, watching.
I tried to kill myself again. Didn’t work, again.
I feel like I have no future what so ever and never will. I can’t see myself getting married or having kids although maybe deep inside me I would want to.
I don’t understand what is wrong with me and why I’m like this. I’m just going through phases. One moment I am happy and full of energy and I’m overreacting with everything and then one little comment or action changes everything completely. I am depressed and all I can think about is suicide. Although I know that one minute ago I was fine and happy, I can’t go back to that. I can’t help but feel alone and extremely sad.
The first time I tried to kill myself I was 13-14. I just stopped going to school. I would pretend everything was okay and as soon as my mom went to work I would go back in the house and stay in my bed all day. I didn’t want to move, I didn’t want to do anything but die. So I took pills, loads of them. but because I started to feel nauseated and didn’t want to vomit, I stopped. I was alone in the house so I had to wait until it all went away. I felt very ill for a couple of days.
After that mom eventually found out about the school (even though by some miracle I didn’t flunk), but not about the attempt suicide. She just told me not do it again and we pretended it never happened.
For awhile everything was better but then, when I was 17, my mom died of cancer. Naturally my little episodes of depression came back.
So I tried to kill myself again. A couple of overdoses, I tried to cut my wrists but I was to much of a chicken shit and didn’t do it deep enough, and last time I tried to hang myself. I panicked.
My mood swings are getting worse lately (sometimes more than once a day) and although I know they will go away I also know that they will come back. And I can’t live like this. I can’t be okay and happy one moment and then feel like my world is ending.
I want it all to end. As soon as possible. All I need to do is find the best way to do it.
Relatively painless, quick and most important, efficient.
2 comments
i know what you are going through. I was the same age when I first attempted suicide, i tried pills as well. Im sorry to hear about your mom, I never lost a parents so I can’t fully say I know what you went through but I do have an idea. When I was 7 my father went to jail, he was my best friend and betrayed me, I lost him, not in the same context but similar.
I have crazy mood swings as well. I can be happy one second, angry the next, then full out depressed. I completely understand what your feeling. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to about it.
you must be going through a harsh time thinking about whats happened to you in your life. i really hate mood swings, they’re a real pain in the azz. PLease don’t try to kill yourself again. I’m sure you can handle more of life as it comes at you.
For some reason, i get rid of my mood swings through deep, deep depression. That way, my emotions do not change/ or up or down as fast.
Do you have someone to talk to? I hope you do, because you could really have someone be there for you.