there’s no turning back

i come from a very strict, restrictive, conservative background. i had suicide on my mind from a young age. i wrote a suicide note at 7. i tried to run away at 10. each time i chickened out. i didn’t go to school by myself till i was 18. i have never gone to a birthday party, a sleep over. my parents didnt want me to. they controlled how much food i ate. made me do chores. i spent christmas studying. my weekends were lucrative times for private tutors. i was so depressed. got fat. gained 60 pounds went from a respectable 120 pounds to 180 pounds. my highest was 185 pounds. i had nothing to lie for. i failed my a levels twice because i was too depressed to study. i had no room of my own. my “bedroom” also functioned as an exercise room and pantry. i couldn’t express myself. i was never allowed outside alone. my mum wanted me to get an arranged marriage. she wanted me to become a doctor. today i had a nasty argument with her and she threw a cup of boiling coffee at me. i have a cut right between my eye brows. this is the absolute last time i let her rule me. im going to be a success. im secretly planning to move out this january. i am a suicide survivor. i wear ear plugs (as in noise prevention) almost 24/7 and i think my success is down to that. you need to understand yourself and ground yourself. crazy stuff will always happen. something bad will happen. but at the very least if you can stabilize yourself life is less of a challenge. take things slowly. rushing things only makes a disaster happen so much more quicker. we live in a cut throat world. the best of the best are favored. nobody likes a suicidal person. i’m pulling my trousers up you can too.