I have a good life. Amazing friends, a family that loves me, and that on its own is enough to keep me going;
This year was really tough for me, I lost a lot of friends, seen true colors come out, and have felt like it was the end for me. November 15th, 2011 was when my self-harm started up regularly. I had just been cheated on by my boyfriend that I loved very much, my friends turned out not to be my friends anymore, my family was facing a huge loss for money, and I felt alone. It felt like I had everybody against me and no supporters. Looking back now I see I have been much more fortunate then a lot of people. However I never saw that before. I cut myself regularly, before school, after school, weekends. Whenever I was home I was always into something. I don’t understand why it makes you feel like you have accomplished something, but it does. You feel relieved in a way that you nevver felt before, and back then relief was all I searched for. Struggling with the hatred towards myself, I also endured bulimia, which is an eating disorder where anything you eat, you throw up after. I felt fat, and unwanted. I thought that maybe if I was prettier I would get some positive attention, if I had the “body” then I would be liked more. I lost 30 pounds within 2 months. After our vacation to Orlando, FL my parents also discovered the cuts all over my legs and arms. They tried gettting me help but I just didn’t want it. Skipping now to april, just after spring break was my first suicide attempt. Throughout spring break, I had been told how worthless I was by some people from my school, I was put down and hurt and felt like there was honestly no way out. They would say stuff online, make tweets and comments, and just made me feel like shit. So one day I came home and attempted at an overdose. My mom came home, and saved my life. She made me throw up all the medication I had taken, and she told me how beautiful I was and how much she loved me. That was the day I realized what I am worth. My last day of cutting was April 22nd, a sunday night.
It is now August 8th. Almost 4 months cut free. It has taken me so much strength and effort to make it to the place i’m at. I have never fought for happiness before, I thought it just happened, but when you don’t know how to be happy, thats really what you have to do is fight and believe that you can find that balance again.
I know, first handed how terrible life can be. I know how it feels to lock yourself in your room and cry for days on end. I know how it feels to grow up in a society where the world is against you. It happens. But the other thing I know, is you CAN make it. Through whatever it is. I know some situations seem impossible to get over and let go, but if you fight and if you believe you can make it. Please don’t end your life for something that will end in a couple weeks. Life gets better, and that is a promise.
xo
2 comments
Glad life got easier for you. Good for you. It’s great you have your mother’s love and acceptance. Keep on at it..
Mim x
Thank you so much mimsicle.
I just hope others can see that things get better with time.