I’ve had a very dark past week and a half. Some nights I wasn’t even sure if I would make it until the morning.
I’m not saying I’m better, because I’m far from it. But I’m fighting. Every minute I’m fighting that darkness that’s creeping around the edge more often than usual. I don’t want this. I don’t want to be… this anymore.
I’ve made a decision. And I know it’s a pipe dream, I know it’s so far fetched it’s bordering on insanity – but there’s this little voice inside me telling me, “What if? But… what if?” It’s been there before, this little voice, but honestly it only sticks around for a few hours. It’s been almost two days now and it’s still there. I’m terrified I’ll lose it because it’s… motivating me. Motivation is something I’ve sorely lacked for the past 10-11 years.
The decision is this… I’m going to get a job. Now I know that sounds simple, but here’s the catch. I have never had a “real job” due to my mental illnesses. Bipolar II, Social Anxiety, Clinical Depression, etc. So that #2 voice inside me is whispering “No one is going to hire you. You have no experience. No one is going to want you. Why bother?”
Then there’s the other little voice, elbowing the other away saying “You never know until you try. What could it hurt to try? If you get rejections or no answers, then your life isn’t over, you just try somewhere else!”
There’s another big decision in there that I haven’t mentioned yet. My goal is to  get a job, out of this state. I live in a southern state, in a very, very, very small rural town and I’ve always felt like a big fish in a little pond. Even my therapist has called me a big fish in a little pond. I was talking with my cousin last night and I told her that I’ve always felt like I wasn’t supposed to be here. Like this is not where I was supposed to be raised. I was born in Texas, just outside of Houston, then my parents moved me here when I was 5 or 6, I can’t remember.
Years ago, I took a trip with my mother to Washington State. I have never in my life been as happy as I was in Seattle and Tacoma. It felt right being in such a big city. It felt right being on my own and making my own decisions. Even though I was with my mother, I was still on my own. Had my own money, made decisions about where we went, where we ate, what time we left. I’ve never felt so FREE!! I was so incredibly free and so happy and it felt amazing to be independent and not worry about my dad and if he was okay and if he needed anything or if he was going to be mad at me if I did this or that.
Thinking back on that trip, and how I felt while I was there, has given me some kind of hope, I think. My plan is to look online for a job, maybe somewhere in California. Right now, that’s all I have. I know there are other things to consider, I’m not naive. I know I would have to worry about moving expenses, finding a place to live, rent, utilities, food, and other essentials. But right now, it just feels good to have one little thing to look forward to. A small beam of hope, a goal, a dream.
I was telling my oldest brother about this, and he sounded so disbelieving. What are you doing to do? How are you going to get there? How are you going to do this? I don’t know, I don’t know yet. I haven’t figured it all out yet, but I will!
I don’t have any work experience, and I don’t have a college education, but I am smart. I have tons of writing experience, which is what I want to do in some form. I’m very good at graphic art and I can only imagine what I could do if I had a computer that was up to date and could run the proper software. I learn quickly and I want a new life, new experiences. Surely.. surely there is somewhere out there that would take a chance on me. Am I crazy?
I love this feeling of hope, it’s the only thing right now keeping my chest from caving in on me. And I don’t feel like I can tell many more people about this idea or plan for two reasons. One; I don’t want them to tell me that I can’t do it. That I’m not qualified and I have no way to afford doing it. I already have enough of that going on in my head, I don’t need their help. Two; in the past when I’ve told people that I have a plan or that I want to get a job and do this or that, my steam runs out quickly. My motivation evaporates so fast and then I feel like a failure all over again.
Can you imagine the looks on their faces if one day I came to them and said “I have an amazing job opportunity, and I’m taking it. I’m moving to California. The deal is done, and everything else is in the works. See you at Christmas!”
Ah, what a dream to hold on to.
7 comments
Hi , I wouldn’t think of that as #2 as in another person, it’s your own doubting mind being negative, u are not mad, it is self doubt talk, for some reason some people’s minds like to fuck with them, hope things go well, good luck….
I know it’s my own mind being negative, but calling it #2 is the easiest way to explain how it feels to people who don’t deal with this problem. It feels like there is another person in your head whose soul purpose is to whisper negative, hurtful things to you while “the other you” sits there cowering in a corner. I don’t know why our minds like to mess with us the way they do, it seems like a cruel joke sometimes.
that’s really great you want to hold on
and you don’t know what next moment holds till it happens
may be there is something really precious waiting for you in your life ahead and you just gotta get there by keep trying
always remember to see the rainbow we have to stand in a little rain and its our choice to just stand in the rain and suffer or to learn how to dance in the rain and i very well know that you will learn how to dance
I feel like I’ve been standing in a hurricane for a long time and every so often I see glimpses of sun – and often see glimpses of other people finding their rainbow. It’s so frustrating.
But you’re right, you don’t know what the next moment holds. That is the theory I’ve been holding onto for the past few days, you don’t know until you try. I keep getting discouraged when I hear about job rates and really let myself think about what all is involved with this mission of mine. The two biggest ones being: What would I do if I actually did find a job out of state, the perfect one, and didn’t have the money to move myself there for it? How in the world would I pull something like that off? And two: Can I really leave my dad here alone? He’s 65 and not in the greatest health, I do a lot of things for him even though he works most days. But could I really just up and leave him to move to another state? Ugh. I just let myself think too much. I’ve been told I “over think”.
hey justy, nice to hear that you got some motivation back. i believe that you are absolutely able to pull this off. Without a proper education and experience you need to have a good reputation / track record. How about doing one step at a time to avoid being overwhelmed while getting used to do regular work. You could create a win-win situation. For example you could roll out a blog on which you publish some writings and drawings. That should allow you to get used to regular work and at the same time you to build up your reputation / track record. The most important thing here is that you do some work which you enjoy and keep going while avoiding to do too much at a time in the early phase (too much work may decrease motivation). I know that it is relatively easy to get some contracts as webpage design artist and that they are payed good money. It would also allow you to work on your own if you would like that more e.g. use hxxp://xing.xxx but you won’t have many people around you while doing work which could also be a drawback. anyways i am relatively sure that you can pull this off
because for that kind of profession the only thing which is needed is talent and training.
yours beatenup
Thanks for your advice, that’s actually something I’ll take into consideration. The blog idea, that is. I used to have a blog a long time ago, but I don’t really know why I stopped. I know I have a lot of things to consider, and when I let myself think of them instead of focusing on my goal at the moment I get discouraged and overwhelmed. But I’ll keep trying, I hope. I feel like I’ve reached the end of my rope where I’m so sick of being stuck that something is going to have to give.
hey justy,
“The two biggest ones being: What would I do if I actually did find a job out of state, the perfect one, and didn’t have the money to move myself there for it?”
that is why i mentioned the xing network (i guess there are dozens of other networks which could also be used) where you could try to get contracts as freelancer raise some money while being able to control your workload by yourself and again have some more reputation (accomplished projects you could advertise).
“I know I have a lot of things to consider, and when I let myself think of them instead of focusing on my goal at the moment I get discouraged and overwhelmed”
That is why sometimes it is not good to try to solve every problem in one turn. Try to eliminate ONE problem at a time and IGNORE the others COMPLETELY (start with the simplest and work your way through to the more complex ones). The more of those little steps have been done the more you will be able to solve the rest and often the problem which was once the most complex one will solve itself or be simple to solve when the others are gone because with every problem gone you gain more options and more confidence.
“And two: Can I really leave my dad here alone? He’s 65 and not in the greatest health, I do a lot of things for him even though he works most days. But could I really just up and leave him to move to another state?”
Who knows how long it will take to get you in a position where you will be able to move to another state? I know that building a company takes 1-4 years before it is rolling in some decent profits. I guess as a freelancer it would also take some time and you would be able to have an eye on your father and he will be able to see what you have achieved on your own, i guess it would will make him happy to.
so in short: first things first and when the time has come look at your options then.
yours beatenup