december 3rd….

so i have a doctors appointment for my depression on December 3rd….. that date runs through my mind everyday like its my birthday or something.. i think th appointment is just so the doctor can refer me to another doctor which is gonna be really disappointing. i used to be able to get through some days but now everyday is hard to get through. i have trouble keeping myself from going over board and my nights are worse. i feel anxsious for some reason and restless..i cant sleep at night until it gets real late and then im exhausted for school in the morning. i feel like i wanna cry but i just cant. i take volume sometimes to help ease everything but it dosnt last and i smoke a pack of cigarettes a day just to have something to do. i dont even have a happy home to relax at. last night i had my friend kayla over and it was all going well until my drunken father went and pissed in the hallway, walked through it and got back in his bed. he left a trail of pee footprints in the hallway..i was completely embarrassed and whats worse is that its not the first time its happened. everytime i have a friend over it happens…… it seems like the days get longer and longer. everyones so proud that im in a university but i dont feel like im getting anywhere as if im stuck in time or something. ill never get away from this live and since im so socially awkward i havnt made any friends in college so 90% of my day i talk to noone unless im grouped together for a project. i dotn know what to do but hold on to my doctors appointment date and wait to see whats in store for me…..december 3rd