I am a horrible person.

Ive always had this depression and I never really tried to get rid of it because it helps with my art.Ive never been good at anything but that especially writting I tend to over write….like right now.Its never been this bad but I guess its becuse ive never fucked up this bad and I know youre going to think of me as one of the most cruel horrible heartless dumbasses but I assure you, I do have a heart Im just stupid.Back in highschool my freshman year was just a blur I mean it started off bad I was hit by suburban the third day of school crossing the street i don’t know how fast it was going but it knock my shoe off and I shattered the windshield…some how..anyways i didnthave any friends (still dont) just loner type stuff.sophomore year though things changed, a girl changed things for me, yea a girl i fell hard for. The moment she walked in it, sounds so cheesy and cliche and whatever but damn it I fuckn fell in love I was gone, this girl was just the most amazing chick Ive ever encountered, Im even smiling as I write that part.long story short we started dating everything was good besides the little bumps,.to describe our relationship I shit you not it was just exactly like Beck and Jade from that show Victorious.I cant even watch that show anymore. She wasn’t the nicest but when it came down to it I loved her more than anything and I know she loved me. Anyways, we dated up until senior year she broke up with me out of the blue, didntgive me a reason just nada boom.I went from falling in love to falling in the deepest darkest depression Ive ever been.What hurt was the not having a reason, then she told me parts of the reasonSSssss and I sort wish she hadnt. She said I didnt have a job,no license, no motivation to do anything towards a future with her which is true Isucked at school and lack social skills Im very shy and get nervous, my face gets red, Im a loser what can I say.She said she had her eye on someome else that had all those things (and looked like me no joke) just a way better version of me.That tore me apart I just I didnt know how to react I just became someone else, stopped trying to deal with the heart break and just turned my feelings off and started applying myself. It was good and bad, I was doing what she wanted me to I wanted her back so badly but I could feel myself slipping away and turning into like a robot almost. After a while passed she came back, best thing ever, everything went back to normal meaning I went back to being the irresponsible immature me. We stayed together for.another 2 years. I dont know if this is possible and Im stupid I know but I have to say this because I cant keep it to myself anymore.One night we were up like at 3 in the morning just talking and she just tells me she made out with the “way better version of me” 2 months earlier. I tucked it away and told her it was fine and I was happy she told me. Was I? I dont know im still confused about it but Ill tell ya it hurt, still does.I think something snapped inside me that night,I dont know maybe Im looking for an excuse for my actions.I know I shouldn’t put stuff away like I always do but I really shouldn’t have with that.Months went by then one of her long time close friends started hanging out with us a lot.Yea I think you think you know where this is headed.I started liking her friend, we’ll call her sally. Sally was a crush, you know those little crushes you have every now and then I wasnt in love I was just crushing and fascinated.we started hanging out more and more then one night she gave me a ride home, I was drunk drunk not just drunk.I was drunk and hungry so we went to whataburger on the way.In the bathroom my girlfriend called me and she was upset about something I still cant remember but we got in a fight and I told her I was just done with it all. So i was hurting and upset I begged sally to take me with her to her friends house for drinks and a scary movie, because apparently in my mind I hadnt had enough vodka in my system.she budged and took me, we got wasted and made out, it would of been not so bad if I wouldnt been telling her all this I love you stuff……..yeah. Being drunk-not an excuse I know this but I think the hurt from the senior year break up and the make out session my girlfriend had with “the better me” was beginning to surface at that time.I pushed it away and just said I dont need her she treats me like shit never cares about me blah blah.so I stuck with sally and ignored my ex…..for a year, a fucking year FUCK Im such a douche! A year.well what I didnt.tell you yet is that sally had had leukemia a year ago.They say cancer can happen because of.stress and stuff (I know Im a horrible person) so I was like crap its been a year and I still dontfeel anything for this chick but bad.I didnt want the break up and bring her leukemia back because she really liked me,so in my head the thing to do would be to wait for the right time.yeah.so Sally started getting sick again, her leukemia was back so now it was even harder to do it, not only that I didnt want to do it, I didnt want her out of my life I just didntwant her as a girlfriend she’s a great person one of the nicest people ive ever met shes just not…her.so I stuck around longer, the more Im with her the more I miss my ex.Im stuck, I dont want to move I dont know what to do.I have fucked up so bad.Tonight I was thinking about it like always and I think I just wanted her to feel like I did, I didn’t know it at the time, but I think I just wanted her to feel the hurt the burn the emptyness she had caused me, I wanted her selfesteem to slam the ground because mine hadnt even begun to recover.During the time apart and while I was (am) dating sally Ive txted my ex because I missed her and she would come over to talk, I was forgetting that we could hate eachother so much but if you put us together in a room “stuff” happens.”stuff” happened the first time ( I hadnt told her I was dating sally) I told her I was with sally the second night, we fought about it and then “stuff” happened. Then again the third day. I didnt see her for a while after that she said she didnt want me like this she wanted to be together she wanted me to be hers and only hers like before, I told her i couldn’t because sally was sick and I didnt want her to get worse.later after a month or so again I txted her, she came over to talk so we did….and then stuff happened.stuff kept happening it went off and on for like 3 seperate occasions.then she said she couldnt anymore she was moving on, in a desperate attempt to keep her holding on I told sally we needed a break, I thought thats not as bad as a break up right? Nope. I told my ex about it then randomly one morning sally went over to wake me up we were chit chatting then my doorbell rings annnnnd its my ex, it was awkward.long story short my mom kicked them out she didn’t want that type of “energy” in the house.I felt like such an ass I could see the look in sallys eyes so I opened my big fat mouth and said lets talk.I was trying to ease her pain but some how I ended up getting back with her? It was like the words were just coming out of my mouth, FUCK Im such a dumbass! I just suck at life Im a horrible person…I miss my ex it hurts to even call her that.I loved her more than anything and I still do, and I cant say I never meant to hurt her because subconsciously I think I did, I dont know maybe it all was too much to just put aside that it came back? Am I crazy? I feel like Im losing my mind and yea lack of sleep might have something to do with it but I really feel that way.This is me being honest for the first time in a long time and I know Im the biggest asshole in the whole universe but Im sorry Im so sorry I dont know what I was thinking Ive asked myself over and over but I cant figure it out. Im so tired, I just want her back and I know she had been waiting for me for a little over a year to come back and Im so crazy about her I literally have become a creepy facebook/twitter stalker.tonight I saw she got her tattoo covered up, where my name use to be is now 3 roses.Ive lost her, I still feel her holding onby a thread (Im weird I know) but shes going to let go pretty soon I don’t know how I’m going to manage, its going to take more than booze and lotte kestner.I miss my love 🙁 I just want her back but sallys getting a transplant and things could seriously go wrong. I know I know “oh alex youre only 20 life goes on”, doesnt feel like it. If I had the courage to take my own life I would, I feel like Im getting there, getting content.I just havent figured out how to get my mom and brother through it I know its going to be hard for them.I dont even know if Im asking for help here or if Im even asking a question, maybe I just want somebody to know the truth incase something does happen?