I knew this would happen, I fucking knew it. Promises don’t count once the relationship ends, do they?
I promised Luis then when this time came I wouldn’t kill myself. But I really can’t take this anymore, Today was the first day back to school and the first thing to happen was one of my really bad headaches. :I Then during second lesson and break I felt a mental breakdown coming. What pushed it over the edge was an email from a ‘Friend’ saying that he didn’t want to deal with a suicidal friend. Which is nice. And now.. Well, I’m fucking suicidal. I just don’t know what to do… Part of me doesn’t want to do it and the other half has already done it.
I keep having scary thoughts. Like Daniel is trying to control me and make me kill myself, So that he can have me all to himself. He hasn’t said anything though.
So now. I really don’t know what to do… I could call my dad? but he probably won’t help. I could talk to people? But that won’t help much.. I don’t really want to hurt myself. I just don’t know what I can do to prevent that… I’m so tired, And just really sick of all this.
I feel that this may be Goodbye… But I know most of you are probably hoping that it’s only Farewell for now…
I found this poem.. Thought it was beautiful and fitting for the moment.
‘The girl who seemed unbreakable finally broke.
The girl who seemed so strong finally fell and crumbled.
The girl who always laughed finally cried.
And the girl who never stopped trying… finally gave up….’
25 comments
you knwo i too had a bad headache today. it may be just a conwicidence, but yesterday, my parents were fucking bitchy. they recently had a huge fight, they are making me feel worst. before, i’ve been trying to go to school without complaint, or do everything without having my parents to worry about me. I fucking hate school. theres so much work. there’s just no point in going. but i knew that the shcool i went to was just fucking expensive, and since its the last year, i have to put up with it. i went to school for my parents. i did it so they didnt have to worry about me. i dont care if i do behave good or bad, i just go. now, my parents are even more bitchy than ever, and they make me so pissed. i dont have anyone to talk to ethier. i can’t sort this stuff out with anyone. i dont got any friends in school who r reliable. and i dont need anyone to care for me.
but my point is, even when there just seems nothing to gain, or nothing to lose, don’t die. just keep on living, cause dying just ruins your pride even more as a person. it means you cant take everything that lifes thrown at you. its saying you just want the shortcut out, its saying you just want to get rid of all your worries and doubts by going through death. just keep on living, for you, your dignity, and for the ones who truly care for you.
Maybe you shouldn’t be afraid of reaching out to other people. They could help you more than you’re allowing them. Talk to your dad. If you seriously have these problems often, then talk to him! He can help you, he can assist in finding you help and such. Find people to talk to. And whatever you do; don’t stop fighting.
Fight. Fight. Fight.
Is all I ever do. :I
I’m so close to my dad that it’s actually reached the point where it’s hard to tell him things. :/
as long as there is still any part of you that wants to go on, keep fighting for every day. If you ever get to the point where you feel it with every part of your being that its time to go, even at that point try to give it a day or a week or a month to see if it changes for the better. If you give it however much time you can, and nothing changes, you still feel it with every fiber of your being that you have nothing left to stick around for, that would be the time to say your final goodbyes.
You should tell your dad. He might find it difficult to understand as most parents do, but no one cares more.
Mmhm, Thanks whatamidoinghere.
And dude seriously figure out what is causing those headaches severe daily headaches is not normal
The mother is making me a doctor’s appointment 🙂
Yay I am glad 🙂
🙂 <3
Make sure you tell the doctor about any other symptoms to like the frequent dizziness when you stand up <3
Yes sir.
do you think your dad would listen if you told him again? There have been so many times you have tried to tell him already, you had the cops come to your house because of what you told a suicide help line, he went to your mental health assessment with you, you said he doesn’t want you to go on antidepressants because he doesn’t want you to become the way your mom is from taking them. So would he really understand how serious you are if you told him again?
He’s coming down on friday.. Maybe i can do what I usually do when i wanna talk. He goes to the store in the evening so i just go with him so we can chat away from the rest of the family. I remember this one time when my mum flipped out at everyone, He saw i was really shook up by it so he took me out to the store. It’s like our safe place.
well that would be good to do it in person especially, that is always better then over the phone. and yay maybe he can finally take you to see the new batman movie, come on Gnat you know you really wanna see it in the cinema! movies like that just aren’t the same even the bluray on a nice tv is nothing like the cinema
hehe
and what you said about Daniel, can he really take control of you and make you do things? Has he ever actually made you do anything against your will before? Or are you just afraid that someday he might be able to?
This one time over the holidays.. I was writing in pen! :O hehe.. And my handwriting changed, and it was like something was controlling it. And then all these words appeared and i had a conversation with myself. I still have it and might post a picture.
hmm that is kind of scary, do you think you could have stopped him from writing if you wanted to? lol and omg you were writing in pen?! hmm and a conversation with yourself, I wonder what it was about that time that brought it on if it has only happened the once.
Mm.. :/
As far as the whole picture here Gnat, it was a really shitty day and even still there is a part of you that isn’t ready to give up. Those things don’t all happen everyday, hopefully you can get those headaches sorted from seeing the doctor or he might send you to another doctor, most days you won’t have “friends” abandoning you on already awful days, not every day is the first day back to school after summer break…Daniel you just need to look inside your own mind for the answers about him, whatever might be going on with you and him you are the only one that can sort that out. If you really think he wants to kill you though, then you probably should put some more thought into making sure you keep him under control.
Hehe yeah.
I was just comparing ropes. :I
comparing ropes?
Yeah..
well Gnat do all the preparing and comparing you want, have everything all planned out to the best of your ability so that if things get worse you know what you want to do. I still say don’t do anything until you are completely sure, as long as some part of you still wants to live then you aren’t sure.