I’ve got a plan to try to take my life.
It scares me to think that this time I want it to work.
If not many know about me, I can give a little intro if that helps.
I’m blind. That in it self, can have many advantages and disadvantages. I was adopted and abused as a child.
I’m almost out of high school and for the last few months or so, I’ve been wanting to take my own life. I’ve tried to be as kind as can be to people but sometimes I just explode and then feel so bad.
I’m tired of hurting, of hurting people, and of just the same stuff every day. All my friends work hard and I know they will have futures in life. I know I won’t and if I do, it won’t be a good one.
I’m tired of trying to strive and keep going, because it doesn’t seem to work anymore. I can’t seem to focus on anything and everything seems to just be not fun anymore.
I can’t really tell my parents because they would blame me and I would have to be like hospitalized and then the bills would stack up.
Maybe I just need someone to talk to. I became close with someone on here a few weeks ago, but she’s going to take her life soon, and I’m not sure if I’ll go on after she’s gone.
I know for a guy, I generally wouldn’t mention my own issues, but I am.
brl.cents@gmail.com is my email, incase anyone wants to say anything to me.
12 comments
Just finished reading your post, and I have a few thoughts of my own going through my head. First of all I would like to say how brave and how much integrity you show, to write your story, and reach out for help.
It sounds like you have a lot of potential, and a HUGE heart. It also sounds like you are always putting yourself out there to be build up (self-esteem, etc.) and constantly being shut down.
Try building yourself up before allowing others in your space to build it up. This way you are able to establish some concrete. I am sure you can think of 5 good things about yourself, and remember those! Say them to yourself over and over, put notes on the mirror. Don’t be afraid of what others think, no one wants to die, and it sounds like you defiantly don’t. Confront your parents, reach out for all the support you can. Your in a dark place right now, but it doesn’t have to stay dark forver. BE SELFISH. Stop worrying about hurting people, and reach out to them for help. Develop a safe plan, with someone who cares about you.. and is devoted to keeping you safe. Both stick to it. If you are feeling extremely suicidal and do not want to die, then hospitalization can save your life. Maybe this is your frist step.
Well, thanks for trying to help, and I’ll try to put your words in my own life.
It just seems to be pretty hard, that’s all.
Be selfish? Sorry, I don’t know if that is possible. My mum would claim I’m not always the nicest, and I’m sorry about that.
And if you must know, I’ve mossed up in my life.
Awhile back, I commited abuse to a young girl.
I hate living with that and I hate the fact that I know I hurt the girl I love because of my jealousy and depression.
Why must I be happy? I don’t deserve it.
Be selfish? Sorry, I don’t know if that is possible. My mum would claim I’m not always the nicest, and I’m sorry about that.
Awhile back, I commited abuse to a young girl.
I hate living with that and I hate the fact that I know I hurt the girl I love because of my jealousy and depression.
Nothing is easy in this life, and we have situations thrown at us to make us stronger and wiser for this difficult life we all live, but we also have the choice whether or not we want our life to be difficult – it’s all how we deal with it.
Have you tried seeking out mental health help? Swallowing Guilt only leads to anger, which swallowing that leads to depression. Maybe you need to get this all out, and through a counsellor would be my first choice. As for your mom, this is YOUR life. Would you rather not be selfish and be hurting everyday and angry at the wonderful person you are… or dig up the hurt and anger and get it out by being selfish, to have a fresh start at being you !
Just got into counciling a few days ago, and it’s ok.
Try not to be skeptical, embrace it and think positive and positive outcomes will be at your feet 🙂
I am glad that you are taking steps forward, this shows a lot about you as a person… a lot of good things! motivated, determined, and most importantly… that you do think enough of yourself to know you can do better, and find the silver lining 🙂
I’m not sure why I write either. You are quite remarkable.
Remarkable?
I’m not sure about that.
I’ve hurt way too many people to be called remarkable.
How have you hurt them, it doesn’t seem feasible to me. Having said that, none of the things you do would be feasible to me.
I hurt a young girl by abusing her when I was younger.
are you repenting?
Yeah I know I read your previous posts. I just can’t comprehend it. If I sound really stupid it’s because I am.
People do all sorts of things when they are young and lack self control or fully understand the consequences of their actions but that doesn’t mean you are the same person now.