I’ve been going through the motions for a few years, now. Living on autopilot, mostly. I occasionally do something nice for myself; traveling to China and Europe and getting a new car and cool new toys. Sometimes that makes me forget. Sometimes it makes me question my decision. It always fades, though, and the reality always returns to embrace me and remind me why. I always smile and accept, too; death is a light at the end of my tunnel. I look forward to it, but it is something I cannot allow myself to have just yet; I am still needed. There is someone very important to me who still needs me and I can’t leave them. There used to be more and there are probably some who feel they do, but I don’t feel the same. Eventually, though, I will no longer be needed and I will be free to move on.
I want to say that this is what my ex-wife and my ex-fiancé have done to me, that this is what my job has done to me, but it is what I have done to myself. I actually used to be phobic of death and dying thanks to being raised an atheist. It was so bad that the merest thought of it would give me an anxiety or panic attack.  One day, though, I was placed on anti-depressants that brought me closer to suicide than I had ever been and my phobia just melted away.
I admit I have a problem, but not all problems can be solved, very few can be talked away and this one I don’t want to go away. Very few things comfort me, now; I have been alone for probably six years, now, and the pain of solitude has been replaced with something else. I prefer it. I used to be a very social person. I had many “friends”, I had a class clown personality, always living to make people laugh. All it took was just one person to tear it all down, and when I began to rebuild, all it took to tear it all down again was just one person. I tried a few more times, but I could never move beyond physical attraction; I could not form an emotional bond. I tried to fool myself to believe I did, but when I would eventually leave them or vice versa, it never hurt any more. No more than losing a CD. So I gave up and accepted that I would be the only companion I ever needed from then on.
So now here I am. Alone yet not alone. Needed by the only person who matters to me and only here because I could not bear the thought of hurting them. Waiting until I am no longer needed.
1 comment
My story is similar to yours. But in my case, even though I’ve been married and lived with several boyfriends, I still feel broken and guilty that things didn’t work with a new prospect. All of my relationships lately have been very superficial and temporary and that hurts even more. I can’t bare the thought of being alone much longer. Shopping, traveling or partying can’t distract me from the loneliness I am feeling. There are no beautiful moments in life for me unless i can share them with someone else. I wish I could kill myself but what stops me is the fear of pain and the consequences of not succeeding.