Lost and forsaken

I’m not really sure how these things are usually written and shared with others, and by that I mean how one starts off by sharing one’s problems with strangers. Hell, I am not even sure if this is even going to help at all… I suppose letting it out is better then keeping it in, which I tend to do a lot.

It’s 2:04 am and I am starting to get pretty drowsy and tired now ( took three benadryl to knock myself to sleep, which I lately do every night), so forgive me if I commit writing mistakes or whatever…
I have been struggling with extreme depression ever since my childhood. I know that most of it has to do with my parents divorce when I was around 8 years old. That much I know. Does not really help though, knowing this.

I am 32 now, so that was a long time ago, but it’s caused much strife within me most of my life. I am not taking medicine for this, because I refuse to become an addict to another drug like I was addicted to cigarettes for 14 years.

So don’t suggest to me to go and get prescribed to some drug.

I recently quit smoking cigarettes because I suffered a serious lung infection from smoking for 14 years, that the doctor even went as far as diagnosing me with early signs of emphysema.

Of course, I don’t believe I’ll end up with emphysema later down the road, because I have quit early enough and quit cold turkey.

I have been struggling with depression especially in the last 3 years, ever since my divorce.

My ex-wife was the whole world to me and more. I lost her and even after 3 years, I am still not over it. I don’t believe I’ll ever truly will get passed that, after having been with her for 14 years. I think that the divorce of my parents and the loss of my mother in my life greatly addded to the depression of feeling alone and miserable all the time.

Now, I am not fat or unhealthy. Matter of fact, I weight-lift and generally work-out all the time. It’s even more so become an addiction ever since I quit smoking, replacing cigarettes with intense work-outs.

I mean, I have always worked-out, all my life. Not because just for fun or to be healthy, but in order to keep my self-esteem from completely faltering. I have always sought the approval of others, particularly women, as far as my looks go and my personality.

I am too nice a guy I am told, too much a romantic and so on.

I could not keep my marriage together, failed at another one 2 years later and now still alone and miserable.

I see people I know or used to know, around with kids and wives, or female friends married happily and with children.

I am 32 and getting older and nothing to show for all those years I have lived.

I try to go to school and do something with myself and then I always end up failing, because I just have no more faith in myself.

I can’t find a girlfriend or a woman that seems attracted to me, no matter what I do.

Whether I feel ok for the moment or depressed, it does not matter, people mind me, no friends, no companion, no nothing.

The only one who seems to care about me is my father and my mother.

I have siblings, but they don’t give a crap about their older brother.  I know they don’t, because for 3 years I have expressed my depressions and I never get a call from them, asking me how I do, talking to me or anything.

You notice these things with time, trust me.

I am not imaging these things.

Each time I pick up something and try my best, I always seem to fail at the end.

No career, no family, no friends, just living to what seems to be for the sake of living.

Family does not seem to matter much to the family, there is not much of a family life at all.

I feel unfulfilled, devoid of any meaning. I so much yearn to have a family, to do something with my life but nothing ever changes, no matter how hard I fight and try.

I quit smoking, whoop-Dee-do…and for what? To be healthy physically and yet wither away mentally?

Tonight I was outside my home, drinking a bottle of mead and my gun in my hand, chambered.

I am not even capable of opting out, as I should.

What a coward I am, that I can’t even finish myself.

What do I fear? I fear failure to kill myself and ending up with a head shot-wound and being a vegetable for the rest of my life, unable to finish it.

I fear that in death my soul remains, haunting the place 0f my death. I fear that the pain would remain after death and that I would continue to suffer.

I feel like I have no way out. Death can’t do it, life can’t do it.

I often wonder if I am being punished for something in a previous life. I believe I am.

But what am I being punished for?

I wish I seized to exist, physically, spiritually, just Oblivion.

I hate the pain inside me, I hate what I feel, every day, awake or asleep.

My ex-wife haunts my dreams, and the images of what could have been as well.

I see my children, yet I have none. I see something that I want to have, yet can’t never seem to get.

I want a family, I want kids, I want a life that has meaning.

But I can’t get it….

I’m sorry if I ranted so much, but I can’t keep it bottled up any longer.

I have no one to talk to that understands me and the pain and restlessness inside of me.

People shun me and I feel like a Ghost, as if I am already dead.

I wish I died in my sleep and that my spirit died to.

I want to seize to be altogether.

Why can’t I just die and find rest from all this pain?

I pray for my death, I pray that fate will finish me some way, sometime, make me fade into nothingness where I belong.