Mistakes…

I think I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

Some of you know by now that I’m in college, i’m a freshy. I’m trying to make myself keep all the promises I made to myself while here. One was don’t fucking hook up with anyone before the end of the first year. This is for personal reasons. I know that after I do shit like this I’m going to regret it and beat myself over it like there’s no tomorrow. I promised him I wouldn’t be with anyone until after November. I’ve kissed two others guys, do stupid shit, and now I’ve come to this… again. I’m losing my ground as a loyal woman.

Let me explain some.

I promised the love of my life right before he died that I would not be with anyone else until after November of the next year, the month he died. I thought it would be simple. I thought I would have managed to kill my heart enough to not even let another guy touch me that way. I wound up letting my heart get the best of me on more than one occasion. Just two weeks after his death, a guy I hadn’t seen in years took advantage of my vulnerability. I discussed this earlier on a post. I don’t remember actually going so far as to having sex with him, but apparently I did. I did drugs with him and drank a lot. He took everything I was going to save for Niel when I would have finally met him. Then at around February, I made out with a guy who was obviously just a fucking friend. He took advantage of my stupidity and made out with me, went all touchy feely too. Well now, I thought I got myself away from that shit; well no. I went to my first college party last night to celebrate the posting of the Quidditch team’s list. I made it, so I was invited. Well, another player on the team, I just found out, is a playboy. He enjoys talking up girls and drinking. He plays rugby and is a chaser, so he is fucking tough. And not body builder tough, just you look at him and you know he can take shit. I messed with him before the party, I took his phone and hid it. Then hid it under his pizza when he turned around while looking for it. He figured out it was me and challenged me to a wrestle. He thought I wouldn’t be able to do shit. HAHA. This chick overturned him easily. Then I pinned him. Then he got seriously and I got my ass kicked.

So at the party, he drinks the most but not enough to be wasted. Just to act stupid. I had a beer and a half and one shot. I feel buzzed, but I can think. Well, as the party is dying down, he’s hitting on me and my friend who went with me to it. She’s on the team too. He tweeks our asses and kissed our necks. He tried to get her first. She wanted nothing from him. So she left a bit early. I stayed at the house the party was at because I was into the movies we were watching. Well the party really dies. As people leave, there are like four people there besides me and the rugby boy. I won’t say his name. I’ll just call him rugby boy. The other four are passed out and asleep. He’s somewhere in the house, whatever, and I’m dozing off on the couch. He sees me falling asleep; tosses a blanket on me. Sits, pretty much, right on my feet and pulls up a movie on netflix. Well, I kicked him. (BTW, heads up, he’s a masochist.) He just smiles at me and asks what I’m doing up. Told him he was noisy. So we get into watching the movie. I’m wearing jeans. He starts putting his fingers up my jeans and rubbing my ankles. I was iffy about it, I wasn’t sure what it was about. But I let it go, I didn’t care. Then he laid behind me on the couch.  It’s a small ass couch. So he’s literally just all over me pretty much. I let it go, cause I didn’t care. Then he put his arm around me. Again, I let that slide. He pinched my stomach, I elbowed him to stop touching my fat. He said, what fat? This isn’t fat. And he pinched again, and I elbowed again. He kept enjoying it. Then with that same hand he reached up and started petting mine. Then I hear him kiss the back of my head. That’s when I’m thinking, ok, let’s get this still half-drunk idiot off of me. So I headbutt him right in the middle of him kissing my head. He groans at first, then laughs and pulls me closer to him. He pulls the blanket he had put on me earlier over both of us. He has me right up against him.

Then, I don’t know why I didn’t react differently, he started just kissing all over my neck and cheek. He turned my head, and started kissing me. And I fucking kiss back. What the fuck was I doing. Then entire time I was thinking ‘stop’. STOP. Well, luckily that was broken up when two of the passed out people woke up and started talking. Then rugby went to get his wings. Some time passes. He’s eating his wings, we’re still watching this movie and everything is fine. Well, peeps pass out again. He finishes his wings, turns off all the lights again. Then he just stands in front of me, between me and the tv. I look up at him; “what?” He takes chin and rests it against his belt. At first I didn’t know what this meant cause he was looking at me with that nice look that you see in some guys and in all those stupid love movies. I move back. He does it again. Then he tries to push my cheek up against his crotch. I push him away. He catches my hand and rubs it against his crotch. I recoil and hit him. I know I hit my mark. He groaned a bit, but he was smiling. He took my hand again and did it again. I said stop it! So then he takes both of my hands and tries to gently pull me from the couch. At first I’m saying no no no no, I know where this is going. Then he just jerks me up and drags me into his room. He locks the door. He’s smiling at me and he comes towards me. I’m backing away from him, but the way he moves makes me go to his shitty mattress on the floor of a bed. He says ‘take a seat’. On what? My bed. You mean the mattress. So he sighs… and just tackles me. I put up a good fight. After the first twenty minutes of us wrestling, he starts kissing me and sneaking these dirty grabs in. I tell him to stop and get the fuck off. He just smiles at me and kisses me every now and then. I elbow him, I hit him, I knee him, I BIT him… he kept grinning. Then he finally got on my legs… he looked straight at me and kissed me again.

“You know, most girls don’t like it rough like this. I didn’t think I would find a girl like you who likes rough play. But I’m loving it all, Clara…” I’m a little freaked out. So I tell him to knock it off and get the fuck off. He doesn’t move. Instead, he starts unbuttoning my jeans. So I start to really fight. He laughs a bit and says ‘Wow, you are tough!’ He’s getting more and more turned on. My fight goes on for a half hour. By the time he gets my pants all the way off, he has kissed just about every part of my body and I’ve punched kicked, whatever, every part of his. Then he pins me down with my hand behind my back. He’s sitting on me. This is what he said.

“You know, I love it rough. Rough rough… you just keep getting so rough, and I love it. Do you like rough sex? I think you do… look at you fight… You have to be fucked up to like rough sex. But I guess that fucked up people are always meant to find each other…” He says that… and I hear duct tape. So I start fighting again. I tell him to get the fuck off! He tapes my hands up. Now I can’t really fight that great. He takes advantage of that. He grabs… things and talks… Then he decided to try and make me suck.. it. I refused. So he threatened to do it raw. I’ve got no choice. He’s getting turned on by this all over. Well, he decides to do something. He pins me down again and starts to dry hump me. I still have underwear on. His hands are on either side of my head. So I bit him. HARD. I almost made him bleed. At first, he liked it. But as the bite got harder, he started to hate it. He got off and yanked his hand away from me. He cusses me out, slaps me… then tapes my mouth shut. He shoves me in the corner. He is forcing my legs apart to be closer to me. He checks his phone, at the time I didn’t know what he was doing. So I started fighting really hard. That gave him an idea. He took pictures. And video. Of everything. I hated it. He still loves it. When he is… in… whatever… (I was lucky enough to trick him into using the back rather than the front) he takes the tape off of my mouth. And for some reason we start talking while he’s doing his thing. He does talk dirty of course, but he’s trying to get why I’m ‘fucked up’ as to enjoy the ‘bondage/rape fantasy’ thing. I don’t. My body just reacted and I wanted nothing to do with it. But I didn’t say it… I just said everyone is fucked up. He laughed. Then he starts telling me that he really likes me, really really likes me, I can talk to him whenever about fucked up stuff. Of course I take that as ‘If you want to fuck dirty like this again, come here.’ Every now and then, between climaxs for him… he’ll leave his room, with the door open while I’m taped up and in the corner of the room. I’m disgusted by this. One time he went to get a drink without any underwear on… ehhh…

After he’s done, he watches me take the tape off of myself through a ten minute struggle. This is while he has me on my knees, face against the wall with his face staring at my… back end… He’s jerking off to it. No. At the time, I didn’t care. But now, it’s disgusting. Yet somehow… it’s attractive. I like that roughness, not the sex, the treatment… because I feel like that’s how I should be treated. He’s a nice guy, just a lady’s man. He fucks everyone he can. We play Quidditch together… and somehow me looking like a sweaty, blobby mess made him want to fuck me and made him think I was beautiful compared to everyone else. Now he hasn’t said a thing to me, it’s obviously a one night stand. I know it’s a one night stand until another party when he can’t get some from someone else. I have to remember, it’s a fucking one night stand so I don’t get attached.

At the same time, I’m wondering why the fuck did I do this!? I let this shit happen! I betrayed the promise AGAIN! I’m hopeless. it’s so stupid. Why the fuck didn’t I just stand and go, no. NO no. I said no. He hasn’t talked to me all day, we had practice again. It’s not like I want to talk to him… but my fucked up mind expects something. So I’ve been doing my best to ignore it and act like I usually do. But when I’m alone, I start thinking ‘Why didn’t he ask for my number? Why didn’t he talk to me?’ AND I FUCKING SHOULDN’T THINK THIS. It’s bullshit!! I should be hitting myself with a machete for ever going to the fucking party in the first place. God damn it!!

Sorry for the long post I just didn’t know how to describe it any shorter without skipping over things that really really bothered me.