News flash: It doesn’t actually get better

Once upon a time, there was a girl.

When she was a little girl, nobody could wipe that smile off her face. She was happy. Then she grew up.

At 12 years old, her father was dying and had a heart attack. He was in the hospital for 2 months and she didn’t understand. That year, Her best friend (Amanda) committed suicide because of her parents’ divorce. She blamed herself and thought that they were separated because of her so if she killed herself, they’d get back together and everything would be amazing again. They can’t even look each other in the eye without bawling their eyes out anymore. After Amanda died, the little girl cried every day for a month. She didn’t move on. She became morbidly depressed and suicidal.

At 13, the bullying started. “Where’s your friend? I’m dying to meet her!” and “Did she actually exist or did you make her up and kill her off when the school year started?”. She became even more depressed, the crying at night started again. Her friends distanced themselves from her and she was alone. But she met a boy, and things weren’t as terrible as she thought they could be. We’ll call him Charlie.

At  14, She met Aly. Aly had just moved there from another city and was depressed to leave her 2 year boyfriend who she was desperately in love with. The first few months of their acquaintance were Aly just sitting there with a straight face as the girl tried to reanimate her, bring her back to life. The girl managed to bring the smile back to her face but she was still very dark. Aly showed the girl how she coped with her sadness. That year, the girl cut herself for the first time and it hurt like a *****. She didn’t stop though, because it kind of brought a little bit of a smile to her face somewhat. Aly liked that they shared something and the girl really liked the colour of the blood. Aly stopped eating. So did the girl. Together, they would fast and puke out meals that authority figures forced them to eat. Aly developed heart problems and went to the hospital. 4 months she was in the hospital. 4 months the girl was inconsolable. The girl finally gave up on food completely. She lasted 16 days before passing out and being taken to the hospital for Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia. She was diagnosed with Clinical Depression. Charlie stuck by her, he listened to her and helped her, and in time, he loved her more dearly than anything in the world.

At 15, Aly got better and moved back to her hometown. The girl was alone now with Charlie. Her best friend in the world and her boyfriend. This was the year she learned to love him back. But, she was already way too far gone in her depression to realize he would save her some day. She tried to kill herself this year, not for attention, but to die. She didn’t succeed obviously, so she tried again. She failed again so she kept trying. People would walk in, or intervene, or save her without her wanting to be saved. That year, she was put on suicide watch and taken to the hospital for observation purposes.

At 16, Charlie and her had been a happy couple for a while now. She was so in love with him. He promised her the world and she promised him forever. It was them against the world. She was still sad bit happier. Her grandmother died that year, she cried everyday for a week but Charlie made her strong again. This was the first year she believed that things might get better.

At 17, she and Charlie hit a rough patch. They broke up and got back together 5 times. Every time they got back together, they cared a little less for each other until at the end, they just hurt each other non-stop. The last breakup was the hardest. They both broke down. Her clinical depression strengthened and her anxiety intensified. She had her first panic attack. She was scared. That was the summer she cried every single day, she began hurting herself again. She would grow out her nails to scratch her heart out but she’d get caught. She developed mild psychosis and began having full-fledged conversations with herself. That was the summer she decided that suicide wasn’t an option, it was a solution.

At 18, Charlie came back to her on her birthday. He said he loved her and always would and that this time, he wouldn’t let go. It was the happiest she’d ever been. But he let go after 2 weeks. She dived back into her depression. When people tell you that suicide isn’t worth it because it will always get better, they fail to recognize the rare situation where it doesn’t get better. The girl is planning on ending her life in a few days. She doesn’t know how she’ll do it yet, she just knows that it has to be done.

I’m the girl.

This is my story.

The End.