I never planned to use a gun, CO poisioning was always my escape plan. I always thought drinking was why I was depressed, but since I stopped drinking, I started eating healthy and lost 30 lbs, but I still feel I’m not in control of my life, depressed, so I started drinking again. I have bought a few guns to prove to myself that I wouldn’t use them to end my life. I justify keeping one of them loaded in a locked box since my house has been broken into, but I know I like having that exit so close to me. It’s unlocked and right where I can reach it at this moment, a Beretta M9, a JHP in the chamber, safety off and hammer cocked. I have placed it next to me on my bedside table knowing that I could end my pain. But I can’t, not yet. I have a dog and a cat that depend on me. My X will be able to take the cat in a month, and the dog is old, I love my dog but he will have to be put down soon. Once I have no one to worry about maybe I might use my gun, or maybe I will just go with my original CO plan, but I’m not going to make it to retirement. I canceled the one thing I love to do tomorrow so I could drink tonight, I needed a drink since I can’t control anything else in my life right now. I’m going to bed, the loaded gun beside me, and hopefully I will wake up and lock my gun back in it’s case and leave it there for it’s intended purpose.
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2 comments
You cancelled the one thing you wanted to do to drink? Don’t drink a horrible amount. C’mon, you need to enjoy what you love to do. Never cancel it for something like drinking.
Normally i would say drinking isn’t the solution, even if you drink tonight, you will wake up tomorrow and nothing has changed. You should do what you love to do and dont think of anything else.