Ive been reading this page just as I have been surfing through the internet for suicide for the last 3 months. It hasn’t been my first time and it’s hard to say if it will at this point. All I know is that if i had the tablets of ******** that I dream of next to me right now, this would be the last words I would be typing. Living in this world while you are depressed and suicidal is like living in some dirty toxic capsule where people can see you like they do anyone else, yet you are buried ten feet underground and can’t connect to any human being and there is no way of contact without feeling inferior, unloved and unworthy.
I won’t say too much about myself since there are things that I am not proud about in life but I will say that I don’t see any way of life after I last lost everything a few months ago to a “manic episode” in which I became psychotic. I used to live in New York City and now I am back in my home country of South America, which I hate, with the “intention” of going back to New York and start from zero again in a month. Who am I kidding? I don’t have the strength! but worse than that, I have no hopes whatsoever that will ever have a happy, successful life or even “normal” life and that someone will love me and not leave me.
I am my own worst enemy and I am so hard on myself that sleep is the only way to scape me. I compare myself to others around me that have stability, self confidence, strong relationships and partners and I feel like I total loser. I sense a bit of bitterness and envy somewhere in the deepest part of my heart and it makes me sick.
How did my life become such a failure when I had such high hopes and dreams? I should have not been the dreamer risk taker I was. I thought I would make it big time! and now haha, the joke is on me. I have no self esteem and it hurts me to be around people cause I feel left out and less than them, but then being alone kills me too.
There is so much to say much but I’ll wait for another time. Thanks fro being so kind and reading what I write. My thoughts go out to you who thank God exist out there and understand the pain.
The only reason that I am here is cause I don’t have the courage nor the means to carry out a gruesome exit. I keep searching but I know Barbiturates would have been the answer for me. Helium or ******** are too foreign to me as in strange sitting on a chair with a bag on you head and… plus I don not have the money nor the location to carry out with this other painless option. I have thought of jumping of a building but who am I kidding? I am terrified of heights and the one available to me is only 12 stories high. What if I survive? I don’t consider the rest viable and for those of you who are thinking on overdosing… Really, there is NOTHING out there to overdose on. I’ve tried and now read. Don’t waste your time and energy on ANY. Nothing will kill you but Barbiturates or Cyanide and good luck to us who are looking for that.
Anyway, I wish you all a day in which you are made feel loved and special. It wares off but it calm the pain a little from time to time. x
3 comments
i feel the same ime just a zombie now i cant talk to any humans how do i obtain Barbiturates ? any one no?
Well, you are not alone. Unfortunately, Barbiturates are not available on drug stores anymore. I was thinking of Vet places cause they apparently use them for animal euthanasia as well as for human euthanasia. It’s the most painless death of all. They come by the names of ******** or Seconal.
i received ******** 200ml for approx 420 usd , paid through paypal, i would be using it next month.