This is probably my third attempt at making a coherent post on this topic.
I have a constellation of issues. I am depressed. I hate feeling emotions. I don’t like knowing people worry about me, or feel worse because of the decisions I make, and I don’t want to feel anything about those in my life who are apathetic.
I don’t want to meet anyone new. I can play make-believe. Recite scripted responses, the simple choreography of living. I don’t want anything more than that.
I want to create a buffer between me and other people. I don’t want to care.
That implies severing contact with the last remaining non family-member in my life.
I went shopping the other day and while I was hunting items on my shopping list, I had this flash, as if I could see myself from above, looking down on my body below. I realized that I don’t want people even looking at me. Thinking anything about me. I would prefer not to exist than to have that. I don’t want to influence anyone in any way. I hate that I do, sometimes. I always find a way to fuck it up.
7 comments
I understand your desires, Orange. But that’s the answer, see? Remember that a movie came out this year titled, “Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter”? Yeah… People will always acknowledge people, wether they know them or not. I mean, I dont really know you but I care enough about your posted opinion to share this much about myself with you now.
Hmm. You just gave me an idea, Orange. 🙂 Thanks.
I know what you mean. It’s just something I think about; it crosses my mind a lot. I have a long history of trust issues. Some days, I don’t feel like I can trust anyone.
At least you’re making (another) attempt at talking about it here….while all mine sit safely in my drafts or deleted. A couple of my post said almost the same thing. (Titled-Eradicate My Feelings & Everyone Will Forget Me Sooner or Later, Who Cares? No One is Left). I don’t “want” to care and I don’t want others to care for me….I don’t feel I’m worth their time or effort. I feel I need people, but don’t want to feel that need. I don’t want to feel anything. But I do.
Fact is, I also know that I care more for others than I do for myself, even when I don’t want to. Even when I’ve been hurt by that person or people in general. So I will continue to be there for others and try to help as much as I can until I go. This stuggle with withdrawing myself from others is a constant daily battle as you may well know.
If you weren’t here. If you didn’t care…. if you never exsisted…. who would help me save the world? Who would have saved me last night? 🙁
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Orangish, I know you well enough to have felt this coming for some time, I think you will feel this way as long as your thoughts and emotions are not where they need to be when you interacting with others.
I was trying to withdraw from sharing my problems with you little by little because you do not need that. you do not need to feel force to have answers, you do not have to feel force to be something other than what you are. I would like you to take the time you need for yourself and return to your friends when you are able to.
I feel really badly at the moment, so comment here the best I could do, because I’m going through a little withdraw at the moment(for different reasons), but believe me I feel where you coming from. From my point I seen you as this simple mind that does not want life to be complex, or complex in the way humans make it, at least that’s how you make me feel about you and that what I cherish about you. the idea to go into the wild away from stress and corruption of life. – stay well my friend.