Alone With My Thoughts

I’ve been clean for so long, I haven’t cut in over a year and it feels good. But the feelings won’t go away, they’ll never go away. At times I feel better, at times I feel so happy, and then it comes crashing down again. Thoughts, thinking, I know it’s a gift for us to be able to think unlike other beings, but I don’t want to be left alone with mine. They take me to dangerous places. Once they start, they never stop. It gets so out of hand, and I have thoughts of cutting again. Only sheer willpower stops me. This desire of wanting to inflict pain on myself never goes away. My thoughts are all jumbled and I’m a mess. What should I do? How do I stop?

I feel like I’ve become a burden upon everyone around me. Maybe it’d be better I never existed, but I was made for a reason right? I want to help others, but how can I even do that if I can’t even help myself? I want to tell others, I want to gush my feelings out to someone. I tried it once with a friend and even though she seemed understanding at first she later asked me why the hell did I even cut myself if I didn’t want others to find out. I don’t want to face those kinds of feelings again. I’m afraid of telling. I’m afraid of the reactions. At the same time I don’t want to tell anyone my feelings knowing I might worry them, I may burden them more. I may unknowingly inflict pain on others with my problems. I go in circles, talking myself into and out of everything. I feel like a soul who constantly stumbles on the path of purpose and determination but then becomes lost every time. I don’t want to lose this battle, but I slowly feel myself slipping.