Daddy’s little girl ain’t a girl no more.

My dad and I… we have our own problems. He’s an addict, he can’t live without self-medication, doesn’t really likes doctors. One day, he fell and broke his knee. He was complaining about the pain, the problem that the injury causes for walking, for weeks. My mother told him to go with a doctor, but he refused.  Since I can remember, he takes a lot of pills all the time. Now I do that too, sometimes.
His marriage with my mother has never been good. One of my oldest memories is my mother and my father in a room, and they were in opposite sides, running away from each other.  My mom was crying. I don’t know if that was a dream or a real memory, but I know that’s in my head since I was four or five years old. Now they have a lot of problems with their marriage. In the last 2 years, they have been close of the divorce many times. A few times, my mother wanted to leave the house with me, something like running away.
Since December of the last year, my father changed. I think is because he realized that I’m leaving, that we’re distancing one of the other and is almost impossible to stop it. My mother is not his loved anymore. I’m not his daughter anymore. He usually goes out in the middle of the night, sometimes taking my mom’s money and in other cases she doesn’t even notices that he’s gone. He comes back home between 3 and 4 am.  I have no idea where he goes almost every night.
Once, he talked to me and I knew a little about what he usually does: he told me that he went to a bar and lent money to a stranger. Then, the night after, the guy ask my dad for the money, saying that he actually lent money to my father and not what really happened. The man threatened my dad for pay him the money but I never knew what happened after that. I think he was drunk when he told me that. Is one of the longest conversations we’ve had in years.  Now, we barely talk.
In other occasion, he was playing an electric piano we have in our home. My cousin was with us and she bother him, turning off the electric piano while he was playing it because she wanted to play the piano and he told her to wait. He got angry and hit the piano, he broke it a little.  A days after, he got angry (I don’t remember why) so he told us (my cousin and I). “You see me so weak, but if I had to, I could break the gateway”. I just leave the room and started to cry. He apologize my cousin, crying while he was saying that he was sorry, but he didn’t talk to me about it. Once, he left the house for almost a week.
I’m really hurt because of what he does. Superficially, I don’t care about it, but I know subconsciously I care a lot. He calls me “honey” all the time, that’s all the affection we show each other. I want that he leaves. I want that he die, not because he hurt me or I’m angry. Just for relieving the discomfort. He has problems for sleeping, I hope he buy some sleeping pills so I can use them for leaving.
He left me an emotional void, and I’ve fill it with promiscuity. I smoke, because I don’t feel good. All my friends tell me that I’m a *****. I know they’re right, it’s what I have to listen but nothing will change.
Somehow, I hate men and I don’t like them, but I use them. I think that comes from some love-hate feeling that comes from my problems with my dad.
Guess daddy’s little girl ain’t a girl no more.