Right now, I feel like the only reason that I’m able to enjoy my life and my days is knowing that I can end my life soon. Maybe I won’t be depressed enough anymore then to have the will to do it, but I strongly feel that if 2 months from today I’m as depressed as I was 2 months ago I will probably end my life swiftly and sober and, I hope, somewhat detached.
It’s ironic that accepting this and seeing it as a goal in the future to get me out of the situation I’m in is helping to allow me to really enjoy my days again. Knowing that I’ll never get back what I’ve lost has made it impossible to be happy for even one day. Because an empty life is not worth living and I can’t go from feeling I’ve got the world by the balls to having no hope for more than an empty future. Stepping out now sounds like as equally legitmate a solution as any others–and even more so, because this one I am in control of, and can never hurt me in the future.
5 comments
you should live everyday like its your last but don’t go killing yourself just imagine if you kept this energy up you could be happy and content with your life you could suceed in goals, you could become something great
Could be, but honestly, I’ve had so many setbacks, and I have had this wall up inside me to protect myself. Whenever I’ve slowly, cautiously, finally come to the place to let the wall down everything blows up in my face. I don’t want the wall back up, because it’s like an empty existence.
I meet people that I am attracted to or whose company I enjoy sometimes. But I know eventually they will all stab me in the back and I’ll be just as miserable as before. Melodramatic and emo as it may sound to say it: I’m done with it. I’d just prefer to step out now. I don’t want to live the empty shell of an existence that goes along with not being completely open to the world, and I don’t want to feel the pain of being crushed again either.
mabye i we can make a deal what if we both take steps towards improving our lives i have social anxiety and you have trust issues what if we both try to improve our lives and become something with it?
I had read one of your earlier posts in which you stated that you didn’t want to settle for an ok mediocre existence knowing you had enjoyed a wonderful life in the past. I agreed with you on that statement and feeling. Can it impossible for us yo have it good again, I ask myself? I am happy that you’re enjoying each day even if it’s for the “wrong reasons”. Hopefully following this new attitude, you’ll be able to create the conditions within yourself to build a new reality that fulfills your expectations. In my case, I have no choice but to hope for this “miracle” since I haven’t found the guts to kill myself.
i have get some sleep but think it over man, what if you just held on that little bit longer what if you would meet the love of your life just a few days later what if there’s that one person in your life who actually needs and your that glimmer of hope for them, just think “what if”, but there can be no what if you go killing yourself, i keep telling myself what if and i’m still here and i just have faith that something good will happen, you just need to keep faith too.