Is there a difference between wanting to commit suicide and wishing you were dead? Â I wish I could close my eyes to sleep at night and never wake up.
My life is actually pretty good and pretty normal, and that just all the more lets me know that I really, really just want to die, if even my relatively normal life can’t make me feel any better. Â I’m a college student with good grades, 26 years old, extremely good looking, extremely smart, extremely nice, with a loving and supportive family and only one friend but she is a great friend. Â There’s really nothing wrong with my big picture, other than the fact that the person I’ve devoted the past seven years of my life to just doesn’t want me any more, doesn’t want to be with me, doesn’t want to talk to me, doesn’t want to love me. Â And no amount of good grades or good family or good looks can make me feel any better about it. Â That’s how I know I’m justified. Â There’s absolutely no way I can carry on being rejected like this by him. Â I will never get over loving him, and I will never feel vindicated knowing that I gave MY ALL, I gave him everything and he put in so little effort. Â I want him to feel like I do … dead without me. Â I wanted him to move mountains to be with me, to knock down doors to get back to me… but instead, me, the girl, did all the chasing. Â And in the end, we broke up and got back together many times, after much crying and begging on my part. Â That is so fucking unfair. … after everything he did to me, and all the growing we did on the inside… no matter how pretty I am or how smart I am or how nice I am… he won’t even try, he won’t even say sorry, he won’t do shit but sit there smugly, not caring. Â He doesn’t care because I always cared enough for the both of us.
I definitely wish he were dead too. Â What’s the point in killing myself if he gets to live on, maybe being sad for a couple months, but ultimately finding love again with someone else? Â Why would I even let that happen? Â If I go, he should go with me. Â But I don’t have the balls to do that, I don’t even have the balls to take my own life let alone his.
Everyone says, “Reach out, get help, talk to someone, turn to family and friends.” Â What fucking IDIOTS. Â Yeah, because TALKING is really going to make me feel better. Â Rehashing every sordid detail of how he tore my heart into a million pieces and did NOTHING to show me he loved me is REALLY going to make me feel better, thanks. Â My friends and family are not going to hold me at night, they are not going to be my boyfriend, they are not going to have sex with me or kiss me or start a family with me. Â All they are going to do is listen to how sad I am and tell me some stupid shit about moving on. Â Yeah, thanks, I never thought of that. Â e.e
I don’t deserve to be the one to die. Â He does. Â If there were a way to kill him and let me live on, I’d so do it. Â But, that’s just impossible in this day and age. Â You never get away with it. Â I never did anything wrong. Â He did everything wrong. Â He should be the one to die, not me. Â But I still don’t want to live. Â Not without him, not like this, not at all. Â I wish I didn’t have family or friends or good looks or good grades, and then I’d have every reason to kill myself and I wouldn’t think twice. Â But, I’m everything to my dad… literally his whole world. Â He would probably kill himself if I died.
I wish someone would just kill ME instead of me having to do it myself.
18 comments
So let me get this straight, people without family, friends, good grades and good looks have every reason to kill themselves?
Mimito, that has nothing to do with what I wrote, and it’s not up to me to decide who should kill themselves or not. All I can speak on is my situation. If you didn’t understand, what I meant was that having family, friends, good grades and good looks are not enough to stop someone from wanting to be dead and if you can still want to die even with all of that stuff going for you then the problem itself is bigger than the problems of someone who merely lacks those things.
This post is wrong on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin. I’ll start with the title. What exactly is it that you care about? Besides your extremely good looks. You wish your ex that you supposedly love was dead because he rejected you? Seriously?
If you don’t get it, then you don’t get it. If you focus on the good looks part out of the whole post, you’re just too stupid to even talk to. Yes, seriously.
So I’m stupid now? Because your post is pathetic. I see why your ex doesn’t want anything to do with you. Obviously your looks don’t compensate for your personality.
You were stupid before, not just now. You don’t see why my ex doesn’t want anything to do with me, you’re just saying that because you’re upset and want me to be upset because of something you said to me, which, if you couldn’t tell from my post, does not phase me at all. Unlike you, my problem is not my self esteem, my problem is heartbreak. Again, you’re hanging on to the looks thing like it offends you that other people aren’t as ugly on the outside as you are on the inside.
woah you guys gotta grow up and stop this bullshit. were not here to make matters worse.
thank you for reading my post, and understanding. i read your post just now, and while i can sympathize with your reasoning, i would argue that i cannot agree with your resentment. it seems obvious to me that your feelings of wishing him harm, while maybe justified, are not (in my opinion mind you) a truly heartfelt or compassionate way of thinking. you are hurt by his actions (or in-actions it would seem) and therefore wish to expose him to that same pain in order for him to finally “get it”, right?
my wife, my love, my best friend… was my everything for more than a decade. we were married in october 0f 2008, and in october of last year, she decided she was done with me. i admit to making stupid mistakes over the course of our relationship, it’s what people do best sadly, make mistakes. i also understand that she was not perfect either. however, i never doubted my love for her. i never questioned our future together. i never choose to not love her, even and especially when she chose to be hurtful, hateful and angry with me.
my point is, i am so very sorry that you are seething from the pain of love as i am. many do not understand the heart of the truly devoted. i feel that it takes more courage to end this suffering, than it would to become like everyone else… i hope very soon to finally have that courage within me.
Thank you Kimm. That person is stupid, but I get their anger in a way too. It’s easy to just lash out on someone online, when you’re depressed like everyone here seems to be.
Jmvsic – No, I totally understand what you’re saying about the resentment. I was talking to a friend about it and she says, “That’s not true love, if you want him to hurt.” But the way you explained it for me, that is exactly how I feel. Yes, I just want him to hurt in the way that I hurt so he will understand. Yes. I actually even told him yesterday and he kind of laughed like, “You want to see me cry? I don’t want to see you cry!” But I had to explain to him, it’s not that I want his life to be ruined, it’s just that I want to know that he’s feeling SOMETHING.
And I completely agree with your premise that people just make mistakes. I wasn’t PERFECT obviously, nobody is. My boyfriend definitely wasn’t perfect either, he made bigger mistakes than I did, but I took them for what they were, which is just mistakes. Why can’t our loved ones see things the way we do? My boyfriend says all this stuff about how it’s his “anger problems” and how if we were to get back together, he would just still have his anger problem and I would have “to be a robot” in order to get along with him and he doesn’t want to deal with it. To me that’s just like saying, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Bullshit. And even bigger bullshit that if he knows he has an anger problem, that he would LEAVE ME for it rather than seeking help.
Jmvsic, thank you for commenting, helping me to identify my feelings, and explaining how you feel. I wish that I could restore your happiness and your relationship for you… I don’t think you or I deserve to feel this way. Does it scare you at all that if you follow through with the suicide, that your wife will continue on without you? Don’t you still cling to hope that you might get back together? Or does suicide mean that nothing that happens on Earth matters any more?
i understand. we all have troubles here and its ok. just hang in there hunny bunny. dont give up on yourself..you have more strength than you know
Thank you Kimmm. I’m trying to live by the “I’ll do it tomorrow” rule. I appreciate your thoughtful words.
I don’t really have anything meaningful to add to this post, seeing as I’ve never actually been in a serious committed relationship before so I can’t really relate, but I felt the urge to comment anyway.
Firstly, I want to say that some of the people above were behaving very immaturely. You came here for an opinion on a serious topic, and they didn’t give you the respect you deserved. Don’t let it get to you, though…they obviously had nothing important enough to say anyway.
Other than that, I just really want to say that I hope things start looking up for you. I imagine that this is a tough spot you’re going through, but maybe with a little time things will get better. Take your friend out for some drinks and just relax for the night 🙂
I empathi with your situation. But frankly, you sound like a narcissist. I say that because the way you speak implies that you employ an outlook whereby nothing could possibly be Wrong with you because you are perfect, therefore the problem all lies with him.
You have to accept that you can’t have everything. That is not how life works. I suggest you get some councilling, not to get over him, more to help you get over your sense of entitlement.
Revenge is never rational.
love is not so easily tempered when the fires of pain still burn so brightly… essentially, for some (most it would seem) it’s easier to walk away then it is to work at it.
i would never wish any kind of pain upon my wife. (legally we are still married, though her divorce lawyers just need to finish filing the paperwork, then it will be done) that being said, i know that i was good to her 99% of the time. i know that in my heart, she will never find someone who could love her, give to her, and want to be by her side always… no matter what. however, if she is now so sure that i was nothing more than a mistake, there is little i can do but wait, and hope that she sees my devotion, my love, and my friendship (and her current boyfriend) for what they really are.
hope (as i have expressed on here before) is both what is barely keeping me alive, and slowly killing me every single day. for nearly a year now i have given up and persisted in trying so many times a day. and at this point i feel my death will be at least a certain end to that suffering. i am not fearful of it. besides that point, i honestly feel that if i were to remain breathing, then i will continue trying to restore a relationship with her. she has made it clear she wants no part of me in her life ever again. so to that end, i see my death as the only way to give her what she seems to want. a life without me.
i know she will “move on”… i know she will find “happiness” with another… but it’s my heart that cannot bear to be without her. she has shown over the last year that she does not care. she does exactly and only what she wants. i do still hope that she will have a change of heart, but it seems so unlikely now the only comforting thought is finally becoming dead.
being hurt be someone you love will always happen. just as you will hurt someone who loves you. the part that i find so horrible is when someone chooses to throw away something so meaningful and wonderful because of some painful mistakes. i can forgive her for the pain she has caused me, because i feel that as a whole, our future, our relationship is worth it. there are the people in life who will hurt you and move on, then there are those who will hurt you, apologize, and try to make it right. those are the people who deserve to be a part of your life.
the idea of “no matter what” really means something to me. i just wish the rest of the world (especially annie, my wife) could see past the mistakes of the past and realize that i will always love her…no matter what.
that is why suicide is my best option. it saddens me greatly when love is so casually dismissed and abused. i am truly sorry for you suffering.
For your information I have never written a negative word toward anyone on this site in the month or so that I’ve been visiting. My intention was never to lash out at you, or personally attack you, for my insensitivity I apologize, I wish you well and hope that the pain your experiencing due to your breakup dissipates and you are able to move on and enjoy all the other positive aspects in your life, like your family,friends, education etc…..
there is one other thing i would like to add, if that is okay?
in the last year since my wife decided to leave me, i have been told a few times by a few different people that when i made her the center of my universe, i was only setting myself up for failure, to be hurt in the end.
while it makes logical sense to say that, and all the world believes it to be true, pure and true LOVE does not consider logic very often, if at all. she was my everything that made everything else real in my life. that is to say, i had activities that were my own. i had a piece of me that was all me. however, every part of me was hers. when she left, she took away all that i understood in myself, as well as all of my dreams of “us”… of who we were, and who i hoped to be.
in matters of the heart, doing what seems rational, to me seems impossible. i am a person directed my my heart. and while that ideal seems “romantic” in certain situations, it is otherwise viewed as “pathetic” in others.
these are just my thoughts and opinions, so bear that in mind when i say to you that i admire your hearts devotion. it is a virtue severely lacking in this world. some would say that suicide is a cowards way out, especially under these circumstances. but i submit that the true cowards are those who would choose to walk away from love, simply because it became momentarily difficult to see the forest through the trees, so-to-speak.
I don’t think Mimito got it so badly wrong either, plus, she apologised. I haven’t heard an apology from you Meowmix, for calling her stupid etc. Sorry, but I find your post very strange too. You need to apply some of your high intelligence to figuring out some life lessons…people will sometimes leave you and reject you. It is a part of life, not a sign that they should die, lol. Get over it.