Tonight is another one of those nights that I just really want to end my pain. It doesn’t help that it is gross outside… like gray and cold and shit. I am always affected by the weather… probably have that SAD Seasonal Affective Disorder thing.
I tried pulling myself out, by attempting to pretend that i am taking care of myself. I even bought groceries today, and I am chronic meal skipper. I got a haircut too, and I still feel the same. It is like I am trying to force myself to feel better, convince myself I am not a screw-up. Even though I know logically I am not a complete and total screw-up it is how I feel. I want to kill myself. I dream about who would care if I killed myself, who would find my body… I pick different people, sometimes the same person for awhile and think about their reaction to my unconscious-not-waking-up-ever-again-self and it almost makes me feel better, in a sick twisted way.
I have a death obsession. It is a serious issue. One day I am not going to be able to to take it anymore. I don’t know how many more of these nights I can take.