Too Much

i know i said im not ever going to post here again… but too much has happened since i decided not to post here anymore and im just absolutely terrified of every option i have as of this point… i’ve been so stressed out over the past two/three weeks and i’ve come to having panic attacks more than two times a day, almost every single day. first thing, Sunday night two/three weeks ago i was really struggling and i talked to one of my friends and she came to the conclusion that i was contemplating suicide, even though i didn’t say that exactly. so Monday night i get a call from someone and i found out that someone had told them that i was suicidal and i had no clue who had called and told them that, in order for them to find out. so my mom finds out that same night and she had a talk with me. i remember almost everything that she said to me that night, and after she talked to me i cried for hours. the next day, my mom called my therapist and told her about it and my therapist made me take two surveys, and gave me the option to start on medications or not, which the though of going on meds terrifies me but being off of them terrifies me also. and when i came home from my therapist appointment that same day, my mom talked to me yet again. then some other stuff happened within the next two/three days, which im not getting into… and that really stressed me out. then the next week i had very pressing thoughts and i was convinced that i had to stop posting on here and stop going to chat… and i was also convinced that i had to punish myself everytime i went back onto chat. i really wanted to be there and to continue posting here, but i felt bad for doing so. i punished myself every single time i went onto chat, because i percieved it as bad being there. this week i tried to cut myself, Monday night/ Tuesday morning i believe it was… and i told one of my friends about it and then Wednesday i get a call from the same person that ad called before… someone had called again and told them that i cut myself and i was threatened by them that if i had another suicidal threat, ad they put it then they would have to inform my mom and be put in a hospital. my mom was told about me cutting the next day, and i was so worried that she would talk to me again. i had a panic attack that night because i was afraid to see my therapist the next day. then when i did see my therapist i found out my scores on the surveys i took were really high… and i almost had a panic attack in her office… and when i came home, my mom had a talk with me, in which she threatened to put me in a mental hospital if i didn’t ‘stop’ as she put it. i hate seeing my mom cry, and now im a reason why she cries. i can’t stand that i make her cry. at this point im terrified of every option i have. it seems there is no way out, and im just absolutely terrified to keep living and the same with dying or taking medicine or being put in a mental institute. this is all too much to handle. so that leads me to today. one of my friends told me he’d kill himself if i went to the hospital, because i am the only person he believes he can truly talk to. i don’t know what to do anymore, its all too much.