I used to self-harm..
It wasn’t serious.. It only used to be scars.. Only once it bled, and when it did, it didn’t bleed that much.
I started this year.. At the beginning of this year.. When I was 12. Now, I’m 13.
I don’t know what got to me but I broke.. I was depressed and no one knew about it.. My past was No one was there. I did have friends, but none of them knew about what I did to myself. I was never a talker. So none of them really knew.. Which was good. No one would really know me.. I tried to spill it out that I used to self-harm to a close friend but she didn’t listen. And then I just dropped the subject.
I always used to think suicidal thoughts, since I was young, I used to want to kill myself. I didn’t know why but I just did.
I did tell one of my family members about it(self-harm thingy).. And it did help.. But only at that moment. After that, I didn’t know what to do because I promised to that certain family member that I would never cut again.. But then again.. I should’ve known that I shouldn’t have promised it if I can’t keep it. I cracked again after about one week or so..
But then I stopped after a month or two. I actually stopped! I couldn’t have been more happier! I stopped because I was distracted. Now, whenever I feel lonely.. And I get scared again.. Because I realize that I’m lonely.. I realize that no one wants me.. No one wants to fix me.. No one wants to know why I always laugh.. Because I am not worth it. And I get that.It’s a fact and I can’t change that.
Did you know? That every one uses everyone. We always go to a person if we want something and they do the same thing. And sometimes, you are there for a person, you push them, you encourage them.. But then when you feel left out, and lonely, and scared no one’s there to push you and there for you.
Woooww.. This is one long post.
Continuing on.. Whenever I’m alone nowadays.. I want to self-harm again.. Why is that?
I mean shouldn’t I have a true best friend and having sleepovers and gossiping and reading magazines and doing stuff that 13 years old do? But whenever I’m in my room.. Whenever I remember about the past I break down. That’s it. I just break down. And it’s just hard sometimes because I always remind myself that no one’s there for me.. No one ever was. Maybe at one point, but not now.
But I do know one thing and is what ever I do.. I’m never going to turn mean and cold.. I know that people like me eventually become cold because people like me have been used and used over and over again.. And at a point we get tired.. And we get cold.. That’s what I thought 😛
If you reached the end, you are officially my hero 😛 😀
I don’t know how this works because I’m new to this..
But thanks for wasting you time to read this! ^____^
Have a good day!
7 comments
hi. i know how you feel.. Im also 13 and well we seem to have something in common, maybe that something isnt good (self-harming). my family found out i self-harmed, they made me promise i wouldnt do it…and i said i wouldnt. but of couse that only lasted about 1 week. i went back to. i used to self-harm on my arms..now since they usually check them.i cut now on my legs. i truly now how you feel when your alone. i dont have friends, nor someone to tell my feeling..so i block myselg in my little world. if you need to talk i know that were stangeers but feel free to contact me :]. i know that you would atleast understand my fucked up story for some reason…
well i guess ive said enough and well..good luck my friend :]
Ha, well nice to know I’m one of your heroes. Now let me waste your time 😉
Do you feel better now that you got your feelings out? Maybe you don’t. Are you still lonely? Of course you are. You’re not alone there, trust me. And how do I know? Been there, done that. Do I feel like myself from the past just wrote this post? Like hell yeah I do. But myself from the past didn’t write this post, you did.
I have an uncle who committed suicide, a best friend who cuts and smokes and etc. My fucked up life isn’t that important. Like you said, people use eachother. And in some seriously twisted way I’m using you because I don’t want to feel bad I didn’t comment?! Either it’s that, or you seriously have to believe I’m ranting you have to listen!
A knife was my best friend and apparently yours too. I cried myself to sleep so much I walked around with a hardened heart barely being able to breath. I just wanted to make that go away and is it so pathetic to say that once I started distracting myself in the little things it only got so much worse, but then I just stopped caring for a minute and watch some japanese cartoon called Naruto and I slowly get better?
I still break down and cry, feeling the need to stab myself every now and then. But I have some fascination with writing now, so all the blood that should be dripping off my wrists turns into words that readers comment on that it ‘knocked them off their seat.’ Basically, I embraced my fear and know that I’m not going to die any time soon even if I think about it.
About the never becoming cold thing too…I honestly understand that. I’m glad that I didn’t become cold and mean and the rest of it. I’m just telling you that sometimes it’s okay to scream, if you didn’t know that already.
Oh, and to make this annoying comment even loooooonger…every time you feel like cutting, take a pen and draw a butterfly. Or something you like. It helped me, even If I could’nt be creative enough other than to do tallys on my arm. >.<
Bye!
I totally understand how you feel. I self-harmed myself once because i thought something that wasn’t true. It felt good in a way because i deserved it but then again, it hurt and stang. I have not told anyone about my suicidal thoughts or anything but just remember, you’re not alone. I are a good person and i hope you realise just how not-alon you are.
Gumpy
@jasiel_bvb thank you for the comment.. That something we have in common, isn’t there a way to stop it? Honestly I’m tired of feeling scared and I’m tired of how badly I wish I could self harm again and just let the whole world disappear so that it’s only me and my pain. I do have suicidal thoughts, and I have a feeling that you might have them too sometimes.. But I never have the courage to do it, if you know what I mean.
But honestly thank you for the comment!! ^_^
@Evally your possibly older than me and your possibly much experienced than I am.. Yeah, sometimes I just want to scream and just scream and scream.. But I never have. For one point.. If I scream my mon will probably burst into my room thinking someone murdered someone and another point is that all that anger that makes me want to scream.. Just dissolves into tears.. And I cry when I’m alone with my room.
But sometimes the tears don’t come out.. They just don’t. No matter how afraid or lonely I am.. They don’t come out.. And that’s really scary for me because crying is my only escape.. And that’s when I think that pain will help me feel something. But I’m too scared because I’m scared that if I start self harming again.. Then I won’t stop.
I’ve heard of the butterfly thingy.. Is it called the butterfly effect or butterfly project or something right? I never knew how it worked but thanks for telling me!
@Gumpy maybe I’m not alone.. But I feel like I am. I know there are People who have worser problems than me and there are people who don’t have that much problems and their lives are carefree and just happy.. You know?
And yeah.. That’s kind of one of the reasons that I self harmed because frankly I thought I deserved it and that taking the pain on my body would help but then I got used to it and I couldn’t stop. But now that I kind of seemed to stop.. I think, I’m scared to start again.. No matter how badly I want to self harm, because I’m afraid that I’ll never find a way to stop again.
But thank you for the comment ^__^
Well it’s really good that you’ve stopped doing self-harm! I tried self-harming myself today, they weren’t bad cuts but i sure deserved it. Anyway, i hope you find true happiness and love 🙂
Gumpy