I hope everything is alright with you (whoever is reading this), or at least I hope things will improve for you at some point in time, hopefully soon.
I’ll try and keep this relatively short so I don’t take up too much of your time if you choose to read this. Also, I’ll understand if I don’t get any comments on this because I know the stuff posted on this website is usually hard to respond to. That and I usually just write random crap that doesn’t really make sense to anyone. This probably won’t flow very well, and for that I apologise. I find it difficult to write what I really want to say, and find talking to people even more difficult.
Anyway, on to my post, since I last posted on this site I’ve lost the only person I had to talk to. I don’t blame her for ceasing communications with me, I know it’s not always easy to talk to someone who is constantly depressing and negative about everything. But nevertheless, I now have no one I can trust enough to talk to about how I am/have been feeling for the last 3+ years. I can’t remember how long I’ve been like this; my memory is awful. I find it really hard to trust people, even when I talked to her I couldn’t help thinking that maybe she didn’t really care or want to talk to me, or that I’m just a hassle.. I feel like that with everyone but I don’t know why.. That I’m just a waste of their time..
It’s my 17th birthday in two days, and I already know I’ll be spending it at home on my own. I don’t really have anyone I could call a real friend, I guess I maybe have one or two people I actually consider friends but that’s it, the rest of the people in college are just acquaintances. Honestly, I doubt they’d really care that much if I died. I find it difficult to talk to people in general, I don’t really like being with other people I know for very long amounts of time, and really hate being with people I don’t know. I can’t socialise with people, I can’t go anywhere without thinking everyone is judging me silently, I don’t function in relationships.. I’m pretty much a complete failure when it comes to interacting with other people.
I just want to die. I have no future, life is a pointless waste of time and I don’t want to live any longer than i have to. I hate the way I look, the way I act with other people, the fact I can’t talk to people; I hate everything about me. I’ve self harmed before but not much; I Â want to regularly but I worry too much about people seeing and leaving me with no one at all..
I have 8, maybe 9 different methods of suicide I’ve planned out in my head; I’ve still yet to choose which one(s) is/are most likely to work, which ones are most suitable and for which ones I can acquire the required items easiest.
I could probably write for another hour or two but I wanted to try and keep this short.. It’s already much longer than I wanted it to be.. I doubt this post really makes much sense but I’ll probably post again in a few days.. It makes me feel slightly better writing my thoughts down somewhere where there’s a chance someone will read them..
If you did read all of this, thank you. I really do appreciate it.
I apologise for any spelling/grammatical errors I typed this up on my phone.
5 comments
I wish I could show you what I wrote in my pink Hello Kitty diary many years ago. It really was so similar. I am far from being in good shape today but I can assure you that there were moments in my life when live was beautiful. Times in which I thought I was being rewarded for all that I had suffered. Teenage years are tough for most people and as you have probably been able to observe by being on SP, you’re not alone in your feelings. Can you wait for your time? Get ready for it. Improve yourself all that you can right now, you’ll see that eventually the future will smile at you. I wrote this post a couple of days ago. I hope it helps illustrate what I believe can happen:http://suicideproject.org/2012/11/to-all-of-you-teenagers-considering-suicide-out-there/
Have you ever seen a professional? It sounds like you may have some sort of social “disorder”. I’m sorry you stopped speaking with your friend, but you don’t have to be alone forever. It is hard talking to people who are depressed, but everyone here understands, so at least keep talking to us okay? 🙂
do you want a response? maybe I’m not the best person to answer your… well you haven’t asked a question, so just a general response to your post then. I feel like this sometimes, well most times and maybe its a bit weird for me for me to say but I kind of believe that it will get better maybe, that could be young naivete and foolish hope. Still, It keeps me going sometimes that all this fear and loathing will dissipate with time and maturity, but sometimes I also fear that I might just become bitter to the world for how shitty being a part of it makes me feel, impotent and insignificant. I want to say, how morbid, but this is The Suicide Project, anyway I was trying to make you ( and myself feel better) I may have done a horrible job though. I was trying to share my naive hope that with 7 billion people on this planet there must be one person who you can let know you properly, totally without fear. Maybe it was that girl, I don’t know, I’m sorry about the situation you and her are in, I don’t know much about such things, since I don’t let people very close, however I hope it works out for you.
hang in there… haha because thats really what any of want to hear
First you have to look yourself in the mirror and yell out loud that you’re the sh-it!! believe it enough and focus on getting your confidence up because you are important. you deserve everything in this life you want so remember that.