a little hopeless.

quite recently, i’ve been feeling very depressed again and i’ve taken up cutting again. i was clean for a year on August 1 and now that i have started again, it has added onto my depression because i’ve failed at stopping. in eighth grade, i’m a senior now, i tried to kill myself and i haven’t felt as low ever since. recently, it’s been worse. i can’t even fake a smile anymore and i’ve just been so suicidal. i also have an eating disorder. i go countless days just chewing gum and drinking water, making myself throw up at the end of the day. i know what i’m doing to myself it bad but, it gives me a tad bit of satisfaction because i’m making myself suffer. all i want to do is die and it seems i can’t go anywhere without thinking of countless ways i could end it all. my boyfriend also isn’t helping, he always is telling me not to feel the way i feel and that the way i feel about myself is stupid which also makes me even more depressed because he says that but doesn’t do anything to try and help me. i just can’t wait til i can get out of all of this. i’m so worthless and even more hopeless.