I don’t know why it’s so hard to want to do anything. My antidepressant isn’t doing a thing for me. I want to want to get out and breathe the chilly morning air. I want to feel like finally practicing sewing. I want to actually make a plan to see my mom. I want to feel like getting out of bed in the morning instead of sleeping until 2pm. – I have maybe a couple of friends, but I never hang out with them – I feel like I just drag them down, like they’d be better off without me. I feel boring, tired, stupid, worthless. — Why would anyone want to be my friend anyway? (-.-) I really feel like I have no merits, that no one would really want to know me, as a friend or romantic interest… Actually, maybe whoever reads this can give me some insight! What do you look for in a friend? Why do you value those qualities? I want to know if I have any value…
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Hi.
I don’t set much store by antidepressants. In fact, I wouldn’t touch them with a barge-pole, personally. Might they be the reason for your torpor? Have you tried Googling the known side-effects of the medication you’re taking? Just a thought…
As for thinking that no-one wants to be your friend, I’ve just read your last post, and you write quite humorously — I’m sure you’re not the boring drip you feel like at the moment. …And to answer your question as to what I look for in a friend, I don’t really look for friends! Sorry if this isn’t a very helpful answer, but it’s the truth. 🙂
Hello ecriesalone
I just commented on another post about feeling pretty much the same way recently. This is a pretty severe depression huh? I have suffered from severe clinical depression for 50 years…so I won’t tell you that it will go away…there are probably a million reasons for it…chemical or hormonal imbalance…past trauma…current trauma…whatever. I agree with Ignotum as far as the SSRI’s…they never worked for me…just zombified me and left me with almost no emotions.
You just gotta get through this dark night of the soul…and that won’t happen by taking a magic happy pill…it takes hard work…loads of effort…coping skills….and the first step. So when you look out your window at the beautiful sunrise…the frost on the grass and bushes…beading up with dew as the sun warms the earth once more….don’t just think about going outside. Make yourself a hot cuppa…put on your comfy clothes…and get outside…it is very grounding and healing. Only you can take the first step. Want to get excited about your sewing? Pick it up and force yourself to begin.
I know that sometimes doing anything is impossible…and I allow myself the right to be depressed sometimes…I know it is really fear…but never to that point again. At the most I will wallow in my own nonsense for 3 days…and on the next day…I force myself to get up and get moving and get living again.
I understand what it is to feel worthless…I struggle with that myself…and then I become worthless. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. So if I cause my own pain…I’m the only one that can heal it. You are not worthless…nor extraneous…nor redundant…nor evil…nor bad…unless you tell yourself that you are. Get it?
What I look for in a “friend” is sincerity. Someone that can laugh…especially at themselves…and fighters…warriors. Are you one? Perhaps this is the beginning of a Spiritual quest? Who knows…not me.
Sorry for the blather…but don’t give up. Not everything is all good or all bad…kinda just what we focus on that becomes the reality. Change your focus…learn to play while the sun shines…and forgive yourself when you can’t.
Peace
Amakua
I like the way you described your depressions: “I will wallow in my own nonsense” — that’s exactly how I often felt after a bout of the Black Dog. I remember that I used to mumble I had a “bad head” and skulk off to bed for two or three days straight, in the pit of despair. When finally I regained my senses, I’d have a (much-needed) shower and just get on with something. …And when I did a sort-of mental review of my thoughts throughout my period of misery, honestly I’d’ve been embarrassed to air them. Irrational, melodramatic, self-loathing then self-pitying, me-hating then everybody-else-hating, dark, perverse, numbing nonsense (I can’t think of a better word than yours), and yet at the time I was stuck fast in them — wallowing in my own nonsense, just as you say.
And Amakua! You said “cuppa”! Are you British? I can’t imagine Americans talking about a “cuppa”… 🙂
Well Ignotum…we can tell that you are British…hehehe…”bad head”…i like it
But no…not British…but close…Canadian of british descent. I believe at last check I was 38,249th in line for the British throne…hahaha. Actually it’s a little closer than that…but not much.
The truth is…it is my own nonsense. This is not to say that my life experiences have all been pleasant…or that others have not hurt me…that would be ridiculous. But the damage I do to myself while depressed…that is the worst. The negative self talk…the blaming…whatever. Self abuse is probably the worst abuse I have suffered…and thats saying something. If I allow the “feelings” to overwhelm me…they do. Interesting that you seemed to rise on the third day as well…hmmm Man!!! Even a self imposed HELL becomes impossible to tolerate at some point…lol
Soooo…why do we think like this in the first place? I dunno…just do.
Peace
So Canadians also enjoy a “cuppa†— I live and learn!