Dear him:
When the sun failed to shine on your face or in your life, you sought a silver lining. You searched and searched yet you never found it. I always wanted to be the silver lining but I just wasn’t good enough. As much as I was good to you, was there during your illness, when you suffered financially, others had abandoned you or didn’t care, I was still there. You had your flaws, but I overlooked them because I knew you had goodness in your heart. You were just too jaded and angry to bring any goodness to the surface.
I had always hoped to be the one bright spot in your day…in your life. However, you always went back to someone who showed up out of the blue, somehow ignited your heart speaking in riddles and blinked her blue eyes only for you to become weak in the knees. Meanwhile, I was on the sidelines as always, not meaning or standing for anything. All I heard was how your feelings came rushing back for someone who never appreciated you.
Yes, I heard you loud and clear…You want to be alone. You are happy being alone and with no one. You don’t need someone to make you happy. I already know I’m not good enough nor will I ever be. Despite all the things you have said to me in passing, I never believed any of it. I never believed you considered me a friend or anything for that matter. I am merely a figment on a computer that interacted with you.
If I take my last breath on this Earth, you won’t notice at all. You will go on and be fine. Maybe I will find a new level of consciousness where it will be a better place for me. Maybe I will be accepted and finally be at peace and find the happiness I can’t find here. It was just him but in everything I see and do.
There is no light, there is no happy ending for me. My heart has turned black and is wilting daily and I wish I could sleep forever. When I’m gone, you and everyone else won’t notice. Good, I won’t be buried anywhere, I will be cremated. Gone as if I never walked on this soil, just the way I want it.
3 comments
Well, you had a bad experience. That’s no reason to give up. There will always be someone who needs a person like you in their life.
I just went through a relationship just like this but the opposite gender-wise. It was the worst feeling ever, having someone constantly telling you that you two could never be even though I did everything for her I possibly could. I wanted to be her light so she would stop cutting, and for her to be my reason to go on living after my sister died 7 years ago. Why can’t we be the one to share our light together?
If you understand love, you know that your pain is self-inflicted. If you love yourself proprely as you should, you’ll realize that you wanted to love this person, but you got mixed up and ended up wanting to possess them, just like a car you might cry over if it were stolen. We can love each other, but love does not have to be reciprocated to be love. We are suppose to learn about possession and posesssiveness as children playing and sharing our toys. You can possess toys, but never ever people. You must love people unconditionally or it is possession, not love. And possession is the source of your pain. You are doing to yourself, what he was doing to you, and what she has done to him.
If we expect a reward for doing the Lords work, it must be a heavenly reward and believe me you have earned it. Now be proud and thankful. You’re a good person trying to help at the HUMAN level and things get messy and mixed up, but we are never alone in spirit.
I don’t even know who you are, but I can honestly say I love you and your caring helpful ways and I know you have given nearly your all. You only forgot to thank the most important person in this mess… YOU!!! You’re free as a bird already, now give yourself some credit for loving an asshole un-conditionally. You are practically a god and real love is just around the corner, even if it’s just you and me. God Blessed you and so do I.
David