can’t stop crying

I can’t stop crying.
I mean I stop for like a minute and cry again.
First thing I did when I wake up, was cried.
I wish everything was just a bad dream.
But it is the truth.
I lost a very good friend, cause I am being to honest.
I know I put him in a very hard situation, he did what he has to.
He promised not to turn back on me but
My heart is already broken yet it breaks again.
Cause I know he won’t be there for me anymore.
I think it is better if we never see each other again but face it, we are classmate, we go to the same chaplaincy. I have to meet him.
It is too painful to look at him, know that things will never be the same again.
I admitted that I begin to blame God a bit…is He there why He is doing this to me?
Maybe they were right, God was just a big child playing with people life.
I care for that guy so much, he is really a true friend.
Now I lost him forever.
No matter what I do, no matter how much tears I cry, he won’t come back.
I can go and cry and beg on his feet but he won’t come back.
All I can do is crying my heart out.
I wish I have enough courage to end my life but I am coward.
How can I possibly trust someone again? They all lie.
I wish I can throw myself out of window and end this things.
My suck already before I met him and now it’s getting worst.
Why God has to do this to me? Am I not faithful enough? Is this kind of a test?
Cause I can’t take it anymore.
I wish I can left Him, I think He already left me, He suppose to be there, catch me when I fall, where the hell is He now? Why is this thing happening to me?
I begin to lost my strong faith in Him.