Fucked It Up. Once Again.

This Insomnia blows. I won’t sleep for shit tonight. The thoughts in my head make it worse, there not even suicidal tonight. I pushed everyone away. And I never really noticed I push people away until one person pointed it out that I did it to him. I wish I hadn’t, I fucked it all up, every single part. There’s not a single person to blame but me. Now, he’s moved on, he got a new girl, she treats him right, she’s better than me, and always will be. He still waste his time talking to me, I have no clue why he bothers. But, he thinks I’ve moved on too. I haven’t. The progress I’ve made since it all? I’ve decided to like nobody, reject every other guy, including the guy, that I would’ve done anything to get with before. Now, I don’t want anyone, anyone but him. But I fucked it up, so I lost him. Game over, I geuss. It hurts like hell. I don’t get why, I’ve never felt this way before. And any other time, I would’ve got with another guy right away, just to get even. But.. For some reason, it’s different now. I hate it. Now somedays he’s himself, just himself. Other days, especially lately he’s himself-and-her. I can’t stand it, it makes me hate him, it makes me want to scream. I wish he would go back to being himself everyday.. But I guess I’ll deal, at least he’s happy. As long as he’s happy, I’ll survive. We’re only friends, which truthfully, I’d rather be a stranger before I sit there and hide my feelings for him. It sucks. It’s like.. Hell. I just wish I could go back and fix everything, not fuck it up, you know? Or at least have things go back to normal, and him be himself, completely himself. But things will prolly never be that way again…