I feel so guilty. I have a partner and I am in love with my partner. I’m so happy with him, and I get these butterflies whenever I see him, and I’m so happy. I barely see him though. Which I don’t mind as much, but It’s still a little lonesome. Now. Why I feel guilty? Well. I like someone else. I hate it so much. I haven’t acted upon anything but I do, I completely and utterly like this person In my cast. He’s the stage manager, Simon. I’m so mad at myself for liking him. I hate myself even more. I feel so guilty. I’ll never act upon it. I might never even tell him. I don’t know. I don’t want anyone to know. Only one person knows, and they’re in the cast, and It’s just because they know me personally, and we’ve known each other for 3 years now, and he can tell when people like each other, and he brought it up to me today, and he knew and I didn’t even tell him. I mean, I guess It’s obvious, but I don’t know. I’m the most guiltiest. I hate my life so much. I wish I were dead so I didn’t have to feel so guilty. I’ve never had to deal with this before. I’m a horrible human being. I’m the worst scum on the Earth. Fuck my life. But I can’t not admit that I like this guy. He’s so great. He’s got a great personality, and he’s super funny. He’s just an all around great guy. Not the best looking but he is cute though. It’s just….I feel so guilty even thinking about it. I do, I really really do. There’s attention to it, where there needs not be attention. My friend that knew just made it so obvious today and brought out all these hints to it, and I was just so disturbed by it. My life. Doomed. I don’t want to end this relationship just for some high school crush. That would be the worst decision I could ever make in my entire life. Also I feel bad because It was obvious when I flirted with him today, before my friend even pointed it out. I was painting on set today, and I dipped my fingers in paint and i tried to get it on him, and i was chasing him flirtatious like, and I don’t know…It was bad. I know. I shouldn’t have done it, but I don’t know what came over me. Fuck my life. Augh. I’m a horrible person ;c I feel so guilty. I want to die in a ditch now. Kill me now. Aughhh.
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3 comments
You’re not a horrible person, just, normal, okay? It’s normal to be attracted to other people, even when you’re in a committed relationship. It’s just about self control and not acting on these feelings by cheating on the person that you’re with. It’s just crush, like you said, and it seems fairly harmless. So don’t worry about it so much.
You followed your biological instincts.
It led to pain. For yourself and others. I know this.
But it’s just the natural way your emotions evolved, and different people have differing amounts of self-control, sex-drive, and opportunity.
I lost the best thing in my life more or less the same way. I’m sorry it happened to you, but really, there were hundreds of millions of years of competitive sexual evolution leading up to it, that formed your emotions and drives, and don’t take all the blame on your shoulders.
It really isn’t that simple. We’re not yes/no robots or simple computer switches. Biological drives and instincts rule us.
Look, how many people can resist that piece of chocolate cake or stick on a diet properly or make themselves exercise or whatever? You’re not alone in letting your mind be overruled by more primitive, much longer established instincts.
Maybe be a big more forgiving of yourself.
Your not a bad person. You recognize that you shouldn’t flirt with other people. Just try to control yourself and don’t punish yourself for this. Best of luck xx