I lost my best friend so I feel like throwing myself from a bridge

I told him I have a feeling for him.
Now he is stepping back and nothing can change his mind.
Well, he does what he has to, I guess.
Things won’t be the same again, no one gonna come pick up when I am drunk, no one will be there to listen to my things anymore.
I lost him, forever.
I feel like throwing myself from a bridge.
I told him I will not doing something stupid but I know I can’t help.
I have no one but me to blame for this, he said feelings are things that can’t be control, he said blame me then.
Yeah, that would be easy…but it not his fault, if there someone to blame, I will blame God for that.
I rather had a knife stabbing right in my heart that having this feeling.
I lost him.
He said it will not hurt me if he stepping back, but this hurts so badly, knowing that he won’t be there for me anymore.
No matter what I say or do, he will not come back.
How am I suppose to live with this?
More shits in my life.
Stupid me, shouldn’t have said anything, should have shut my mouth.
I feel like cutting myself now but he took my knife so…