I’ve kept this facade of being happy in school for so long, so when I was telling my friend about this (she’s kind of my best friend), she asked me is this how I really am?
Like happy( that’s how I come across in school) and can make people laugh because of my randomness.
But I told her at home I’m not happy because everything is tense and well… NOT happy…
I wish I could tell her EVERYTHING…but I literally CAN’T, like I get this cold felling that spreads from my finger tips everywhere. And I can’t always rely on people to listen to my shit. (excuse my French)
So y’all might think telling her will make me fell better and all that, believe me I know, but I don’t trust people easy…
And with all my heart I want to tell someone…but it’s not her, so please don’t suggest that I try and talk to her and be surprised she’ll understand…because I can’t talk to her.
We have a councillor in school, people have gone to her and said she’s nice…
I’m thinking…maybe I can go and tell her ‘some’ things…
Like maybe she can help me see things I didn’t, or…I just can’t be alone anymore! it hurts too much…
After my best friend left the country due to financial problems…I was in denial when she told me…It just wouldn’t sink in…
I have 5 best friend 2 of which left the country for the same reason and though it saddened me it couldn’t compare to when she left…
The 4 of my best friends knew each other for 6 years, and her 1.
Even though for such a short time, we just clicked.
She was going through a depressive period as her previous best friend had died…after a few month of first meeting, like 3 months, I had become closer to her than anyone in my life, and though at that time I didn’t know it, she changed my life…
So she told me that I had brought her out of depression, which i was shocked to know…
How someone like me could do that, because her personality is strong and awesome, and i was just being my self, and I asked her how, and she said by just being yourself and being in my life…
So when she left all my past( family, person problems) came back and slammed me so hard!
I had never realised that she was the reason I was so happy, I was so destroyed when she left, she was miserable to leave too.
We still keep in touch but it’s been 5 moths but it still hurts so much, and that emptiness is not going…will it ever?
So I have exams coming up, I want to study, but I’m too depressed too…
I know that stupid, I want to study but I just want t stay curled in my bed and not exist in fact that’s just what I do I don’t want to be like, who the hell would, but I can’t get out of it…I just want to be okay…
I want something to be wrong with me,so maybe then I know WHAT the fuck (excuse my French) to do or get help and be done with it!
Even though I wouldn’t ever take my life, I still think (not intentionally ) way to just…to avoid the negative word, not exist.
Like just be in the bath and slip down and count till I can’t anymore…
I want to just go to school without any facade, but I am a happy person sometimes I think…it’s just only in school, because of distraction or maybe because my mind is occupied and I don’t have time to think so..I don’t know who I am…
I just suddenly break down crying and start hyperventilating (at home of course, never cry in public or anyone) it’s happened many times, I don’t know if that normal?
So basically I want to go to my school councillor, I can’t go to a real therapist, I don’t even know if I need one…
But Ive walked by her office so many times, pausing to go in, but chicken out…
I want to but I don’t know if I can do it, what if I just freeze when I’m in there?!
There are so many other problems that I can’t say now, so y’all might just think I’m a 15 year old, and I have my whole life ahead but my past is dark and I don’t know if I should post that…
So please tell me what I should do…I don’t want to be useless and just cry…I want to be freed
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
12 comments
You may want to try staying late after school one day and speaking with her, perhaps being there alone will make it a little easier. She’s there to help people and listen to their problems, so if you do go just relax and tell her what’s been on your mind. You don’t have to tell her everything just work your way up as you feel comfortable.
Take a drink from the water fountain, go to her office, take a big breath, relax and tell her you’d like to speak with her some time. It’s that simple 🙂
I know it’s simple, but how can I achieve that calm? Without the fears of her telling someone or aftere working the courage to go in I just cant find the words?
As long as you don’t indicate a desire to harm yourself she is under a confidentiality agreement with you. If you don’t believe me ask her yourself before you begin talking.
You don’t need to “find the words”, all you have to do is go up to her and say, “Hello, i was wondering if i could speak to you some time.” and she’ll tell you when a good time is.
When you’re talking just tell her how you feel. Something like, “lately i’ve been feeling so down and apathetic, i don’t know how to cope with (such and such)”
Start slowly and work your way up.
Thank you, I’ll try that.
By the way, should I see her?
Honestly, because I don’t want to come across as dramatic but I want the help so from what you read in my post, should I go?
Right before I told my mom about my depression, I felt that is was going to be sick. But trust me after you tell some one it is a huge relief.
@naomi Thats exactly what I want feel, but I don’t know if I’m depressed or just… what else could it be?
I think your problems would definitely be helped by speaking with someone. I can’t tell you whether or not you should see her, but i think it would help for you to talk to someone. If not her then at least someone in your family, or perhaps that friend that you’re so close to.
I’d reccomend it.
My family is totally out if the question and friends too, so I guess it’s her. It would be nice to hear what she though, like from a strangers perspective, someone who knows nothing about me and can’t judge me…right?
Hi Lexiie,
Scar is right… talk yourself into going to talk to the counselor… you might freeze up… I went in to talk to a counselor a few times… the first time I could hardly talk, but he didn’t act like anything was wrong at all and we talked about other things until I was able to talk a little bit about me… it was one of the hardest things I’ve done, not gonna lie. But it really helped, so I hope and pray that you find a strength to talk to someone, anyone. I would help you if I could
@vitalshox. Thanks for your suggestion, I’m going to try and do it, just hope I can over come my fear and just go…
It sounds like you’re depressed, but it sounds like the kind of depression that you can treat and cure. She isn’t there to judge you; only to listen and offer advice. Also, along with speaking with her you may want to keep talking on here: it can help alot as well. 🙂