I’m bi sexual
I’m emo
I’m a cuter
I do drugs
I’m atheist
I’m OCD
I’m bi polar
I’m a lover
I’m broken
I’m suicidal
I’m victim
I’m more things than you can probably count. I know there are others who probably have it worse than me, but I feel like this is never ending, that this world only exists to destroy me. I wake up every morning and think “why am I still here?”.  It’s a good question to be honest. I have no purpose. I’m not important. My friends tell me if I died they would care….a lot of people have told me that before…..and look where they’re at…..gone. It would be so much easier just to end it all now, but the truth is….I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what comes next. I’m afraid what would happen to the ones that I love. I’m afraid of the unknown. What if I was wrong…about all this afterlife shit. What if there is a “God”. What if I do go to hell? And if I do…what’s it like? Is it like everyone describes it, with fire and the devil or is it different? What if everyone else was wrong? What if hell is just a dark room that leaves you with the feeling of loneliness and despair? What if hell is just like real life? Or maybe hell would be better than life itself.  I just feel like I’m stuck in between hell and real life, somewhere in the middle.
4 comments
I, too am an atheist and firmly at that. There is no point in thinking about what happens afterward because what happens for you is simply nothing. I know that can seem enticing believe me, I go there too. A lot.
But also, it means you have this (technically)awesome existence in time where you ARE. And it literally can be what you make it to an extent. When I get really bad, I think of the folks that have thrown their lives away for all the minute reasons instead of making a bold decision to change it. Like moving away or quitting your job or leaving your nightmare situation somehow. Even just taking a vacation you cannot afford. Or maybe volunteering, going to school. All these people didn’t try making a different, bold or big decision before they made the biggest and worst decision possible. And now they’ll never get another chance to try again.
There is no magical guy in the sky and no hellfire awaiting eternal suffering for anyone. We’re not much more biologically than the bugs you squash while walking really. Our brains literally have a space where it allows us to believe fantastical things like God, the afterlife and Santa Claus. When the fear is shoved down our throats by other members of our species, it creates more fear, doubt and guilt. All negative emotions.
As to what will happen to the ones you love, they will be torn apart by all those emotions and then some if you make the decision to end it. The emptiness that you are feeling will spread out at least a little bit into each one of them, because that’s how we inevitably deal with loss.
But yeah, THIS isn’t going away for awhile. I known that feeling for over 20 years now. I “just keep swimming” too.
Someone—-That is meant to be inspirational and prevent a suicide??
“We’re not much more than the bugs you squash while walking”
Bullshit.
It’s people like you that have contributed to my hating people in this world and wanting to find a better one.
Don’t fear the unknown. It’s not scary, it’s an adventure.
God(if he is real) is just a Nasty kid on an any hill with a magnifying glass.
I know i don’t believe In him. How can anyone or anything be so nasty to an entire population of people. Why would it let shit like all of this happen !?
It wouldn’t: that’s why its not real
@Wearythatsall:
No, it was not meant to be inspirational as much as it was meant to be rational.
She expressed her fears of the unknown and of eternal punishment and my point was to alleviate those fears with the truth that there is nothing after this and that such fear leads to more negativity. Also, please note that I said “biologically” because that’s what I’m trying to convey. That we are all just biological creatures going though a lifetime experience until we’re not anymore. But I’m also trying to say that the lifetime experience alone is ours to make and we can change it until we reach the point where we’re not anymore.
Perhaps the bug reference was too harsh, but that’s how I relate it in my life. Maybe a better euphemism would have been a squirrel you see at the side of the road.
I’m sorry you feel that way and I know that frustration because I’ve written almost the same last line verbatim in a post elsewhere before. So, please keep in mind that my just being on this site means I’m not in a “The cupcakes are done and it’s a wonderful world!” kind of mood. But I am trying to help because that’s what helps me get over it.
Peace