Hi, everybody.
I didn’t use to think of myself as suicidal in any sense.
I’m seventeen years old, and I have felt so overwhelmed lately I don’t know what to do or how to cope.
My dad was diagnosed with hypertensive heart disease this year, and he’s been in and out of the hospital. He doesn’t live with me, but I go to his house nearly everyday after school to be with him, because I’m never sure when he won’t be around any longer.
I’ve also been struggling with financial issues with my family, and to top it all off, school has been absolutely exhausting.
I’ve begun to skip classes because I simply can’t stand going and pretending to be happy.
In movies, there’s always that teacher that notices something is wrong and helps you out. But nobody notices.
On Friday, I went to school, but I skipped my morning gym class. I was sitting on a bench outside and crying- I don’t even remember why.
I don’t want to kill myself, I just want to die. You get what I mean, right?
I’ve never considered myself suicidal, but I just want everything to end on it’s own accord.
I don’t know how much longer I can hold on, nor do I know what I will do if something happens to my dad.
What am I supposed to do?
I found this site, and it seems like a place where others understand. I hope you do.
Thank you.
4 comments
I’m sorry you’re dealing what you are. I’ve never been though the struggle of a parent’s health fading but I can only imagine the heart ache. My husband lost his father to a heart attack at your age. I only see the effect it’s had on him.
Is there a teacher or family friend you can trust and can talk to? A dear friend of mine once told me, “Lean on your friends. Don’t keep that anger and hurt all bottled up. It will kill you or drive you insane.” It’s even better if you can find an adult who has been through what your going through and can understand. I do know depression can eat you alive from the inside out. Don’t let it get that far. ((( hugs )))
Judging by the way you’ve put this post together, you’re clearly a very intelligent and articulate person. Just the sort of person that can get the most out of school and then use this to make great things of their life.
I’ve not been in a situation where I’ve been at risk of losing a loved one through a health scare, but it must be a huge strain on you. Between that, and school and your financial issues at home (are you working a part time job as well?) it’s no wonder you are exhausted. When people are tired to the point of exhaustion, that’s when things break down … and having random crying seems like a break down of sorts.
Do you have a school counsellor or someone else you can talk to? It sounds like you need some kind of help to manage your workload.
At least you’re not depressed to the point of suicide at this stage; the fact you’re crying for help well before you get to this stage is a very positive thing.
All the best.
eyemnag, I am the same way. I definately wish I would die most days, but I could never kill myself.
As far as your dad, I’m sorry about that. I gratefully have 2 parents that are in good health. However, my grandpa and great aunt are both struggling with heart problems.
Anywho… crying at this point is a good thing. However, I would recommend finding somebody to talk to rather than just skipping classes.
I don’t know your views on religion or anything, but just pray for your dad. I promise, whether you think He is or not, God is listening. He may not give you exactly what you want, but He has a Grand Master Plan. Everything happens for a reason.
also, I don’t know if you have a hobby/what it is. But I would definately reccomend continuing to post on here or keep a journal. Maybe draw pictures if that’s your thing?
Wishing you the best,
EmM