I’ve lost all hope

Alright. Never thought I’d post anything here, but after reading a lot of your stories, I feel like sharing mine. Please bear with me.

Where to start? I’m 27, have the best parents in the world, a great brother and a bunch of friends that I could hang out with. I graduated last June, but haven’t looked for a job, I’ve done nothing with my life really. I’ve just been depressed, scared of the outside. The thing is, I always saw it coming all along.

Basically I’m “afraid” of people and what they think of me. The fact that I studied journalism doesn’t make it any easier, since you’re required to be very assertive and to talk to a lot of people on a daily basis. I started my studies thinking that by the time I’d graduate, things would be different, but they just aren’t. The one thing that could have saved me was taken away from me, but I’ll talk about that later.

I don’t know if my zero confidence stems from my problems with relationships or if it’s the other way around, I really couldn’t say. But something happened to me that really broke the camel’s back, and I see no way out.

First, my past. Love, girls, relationships, I’ve always had a lot of trouble with those. So much that after a while it’s all I could think of, and still is. I had a three-year relationship with a girl who tormented me every chance she could get. I think she was legitimately crazy, and it didn’t end well. I think I just stayed with her because I wanted someone there for me. After that, nothing. There were girls that I was interested in, but I always got rejected. It made a mess out of me a few times, but when I look back on it, they weren’t really what I wanted anyway, and I never contemplated killing myself over them.

A few months before my school ended we were divided into small groups to work on some projects and a certain girl was in mine. I had already noticed her before, thinking she was something special, but never really interacted with her a whole lot. She just had something about her. She was unbelievably kind, always smiling, innocent, pretty, but never had a boyfriend before. I was in a group of seven, and I was elected to be the group leader for the final projects we had to do.

During those months I worked together exclusively with this girl almost all the time, often from early in the morning until late at night. Her well-being was always what mattered the most to me. As the group leader I would try to get things done for our group, but I was just thinking about her. A couple of her best friends were in our little group, but she even prefered working with me over working with them, all the way until the end of the school year. We worked the hardest of any teams and had the absolute best products. I have never worked with someone this well, ever, and probably never will.

While spending so much time with her, I really started to like her, a lot. She was my perfect match, in every way. She was the One for me. A couple days in, already, I started to think about making a move, but I was too big of a ***** to do so. Right after school ended I would leave on a month-long trip, so I had to do something. So five days before I left I finally just told her I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t do “this”, and I kissed her. She kissed me back (her first kiss ever), and I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. It was what I had been waiting for for so long.

I never expected to meet someone I would feel this close to, let alone have a relationship with her. All my friends were happy for us, as were her friends. I had a great five days with her before I left on my trip. But the very night before I left, she acted differently. She wasn’t the bright little sunshine that she always was, she felt kind of distant. During my trip I didn’t really hear from her all that much, and I hated being away, I just wanted to be there with her. When I came back, it was over. She said she didn’t feel the same way that I did, and it was over.

I talked to her twice after that, but asked her not to contact me again. I know I’m running away from my problems, that’s just what I do I guess. But this time, it really just hurts too much, way too much. She really was the one for me, my true sunshine, the most beautiful thing on this Earth. I miss her beyond belief, but nobody understands me. I really don’t believe that someone else will make me feel the way she did. What is there beyond perfection?

During those months and my short relationship with her I was oozing confidence. Nothing could stop me, I was the man. Since I returned from my trip, four months ago, I’ve changed. I don’t eat a lot, I just play videogames and sit around at home. My social life has crumbled because I don’t want people to see me this way and to avoid the questions. I’ve lost all interest in anything. I’m in therapy now, but that doesn’t help a whole lot. All I can think about is what has happened to us, and why, with no improvement. I don’t WANT all this. I just feel stuck, with no solution to my problem. And it’s starting to scare me.

I know this might sound strange, but even after those few months I felt as if I had found my soulmate. Yet, five days is all I’ve been granted, after suffering my whole life, just wanting someone to love me. And it wasn’t just with anyone, it was her. I truly believe nobody will ever appreciate everything about her as much as I do. I just don’t understand. It’s not fair, it’s not fair at all.

I’ve been contemplating suicide but ultimately I think I’m too big of a ***** and I don’t want to hurt my family. But it seems to be the only way out.

I’m sorry for the long read, I’ve just lost all hope to continue.