Live for others is all I have

I know this is long but I need to get it out. I am privileged, I have never wanted for anything really. I am a senior in college and it was all paid for. I never had to work and was able to travel a lot. Please don’t judge me for the rest of my story based on this.I know it jumps around but my mind is a bit like that most of the time.

I guess I will start from the beginning. I come from a very successful family, and I am nothing. My sisters are lawyers and bankers, my mother is a very well off doctor and my father is a college professor, my uncle was an incredibly wealthy businessman as was my grandfather. They are all also incredibly good people, kind hardworking and charitable. All very smart and motivated. None of them ever really got in trouble to speak of, had good grades, and know what they want. I on the other hand, never did well in school, was always getting in trouble, fucked up more times than I can even remember. Even in college my grades have not been good, I am not very good with girls, I am a hopeless romantic who chooses only the worst of girls. I am pretty sure I am the only one in my family to drink heavily in college or try certain drugs.  I feel like don’t deserve anything that I have. I have always been very generous with my friends as a result. Where I see talent or dedication or traits I admire I attempt to foster them. Many of my friends were much less fortunate than I was and it beings me great joy to help them. I know that I am generous and kind and fiercely loyal to my friends but I so often feel so numb. A disappointment to my parents, to my self, to everyone I deem important. I have so often thought about suicide and it sounds so stupid but I can’t do that to the people who love me. I am unable to hurt them in that way no matter how much I want it for myself. I feel so worthless. As I said before I am a hopeless romantic, one night stands never really appealed to me, sex with anyone I don’t care about doesn’t appeal to me I want to hold someone dear and watch movies and talk and read together and share the world with someone. I have had a few one night stands(primarily due to pressure from the other guys), no “long term” relationships. The most recent was the most real. I had liked this girl for a very long time and she was  member of our general friend group which is dangerous in that bad relationship can effect the entire group. She is a flirt, she likes the attention, and she was semi known for fucking with people’s minds. Not that she slept around or really even messed around but she toyed with people. I have since come to love her in so many ways but she is tearing me apart. Everyone has there own story and here is a small piece of hers. She comes from a very small town where community means a lot. Her longest term boyfriend, and then just friend, was very dear to her. About two years after she went away to college he killed himself. I say this only to give a glimpse into her life and remind people that everyone deals with their own very real life problems. Well (please don’t judge based on the drugs the feelings were there before and after) eventually we went to a concert over the summer, one which I will remember for ever as one of the best times of my life. We went with friends and we all did Molly, this was the first time we ever kissed and we danced together all night. After this we informally went out for about 2 weeks when she finally broke it off saying that she hadn’t been in a relationship for awhile and she forgot what it felt like. That I meant a lot to her but it wasn’t what she wanted, she was too immature (20years old which in college is for many not a time to be in a real relationship). Well obviously this hurt a lot. We already had a friends weekend mountain getaway planned which ended up happening about a 2 weeks later. It was very hard for me but I went and I was nice but basically ignored her because it hurt to interact with her. Multiple other friends on this trip were in a bad place relationship-wise. Well after this weekend ended I went over to this girl’s house 2 nights in a row to watch a movie, I cared about her and despite how much it hurt me I wanted us to be ok and I stay friends…well if that was all I could get I would take it. The second night when I was getting ready to leave, she kissed me. She said that she didn’t like me ignoring her that weekend and that she missed me and I really did mean a lot to her and we should give this a real try. This made me ecstatic but as I have learned in life all good things fade. I slept over a lot, we only had sex once because I wanted to wait for a couple days looking back I don’t know why. Everything seemed great and finally again she ended it because she just wasn’t ready for this. That we wanted different things. It broke my heart. I still hang out with her a lot, she doesn’t have a ton of really close friends. The kind that you can say anything too no matter how stupid it sounds, and we were that for each other. I was there on the anniversary of her friend’s suicide and I held her all night. Now every time I hang out with her it feels like my heart is patched with duct taped and I feel so good around her, then it is ripped off and the wound is worse each time I leave. She is one of the only things that makes me happy.I don’t know what to do…

So it turns, somewhat abruptly, to my general feelings on life. I have always felt out of place. Kind of numb and lost I don’t know what I want to do I don’t really feel passionately about anything necessarily and I fear going to a job I don’t love and just grinding though life. What a curse to have a support network for someone as worthless as I feel most of the time. I cannot kill myself, it would hurt everyone I love too much, but continuing on seems so pointless. I am sick of life being what it is for me, I hate the idea that my happiness seems pegged on someone else instead of me (the girl). I just don’t see the point but I am forced to keep living and each passing day seems a waste of resources which could be better left to the friends I deem fit and deserving of a better life.