I simply do not understand people that are “driven”. What’s so different about them that creates such a huge difference between myself and them. I’m a decent fellow, cordial to my friends, says “yes ma’m” and “no sir” and yet I’m so troubled and they are seemingly so carefree. I frankly cannot comprehend how it is possible for them. But I digress, I suppose by this point you can extrapolate the fact that I am not driven. I fear responsibility and any situation that could potentially turn out badly. For some, this would result in focus and determination to create positive outcomes, to avoid those bad situations. However, I chose to avoid them completely. This may seem minor to most, but it’s something that nags at you after a while. A gnawing idea in the back of my mind that’s just saying “You could have done that. Why didn’t you? Oh yeah, you’re a fucking coward.” I started questioning my ability to change, convincing myself that even if I tried, I would shrink away in fear of failure.
This leads to last year, where I almost killed myself with a shotgun. Round in the chamber, Safety off….and?….nothing. Not a damn thing. No it wasn’t a misfire. It was just me not going through with something. So! I can’t end my life, but nor can I stand going on with myself.
Ain’t Life grand?
6 comments
I can relate. I am wasting years of my life just doing nothing. I can’t find the motivation or drive anymore either.
I just sort of drift through the day, not really noticing anything. Then at night, when I’m alone in my bed, I look back at the day in disappointment. I just don’t know how to make it stop.
… thanks for telling one realistic possibility of where my life can end up (almost a year without doing anything major).
You went one step further then I did. I dont even have the courage to buy a shotgun.
@Hopeful Cynic: You know what? You sound like someone I’d really be friends with! I totally empathize with what you’ve written. I’ve started so many projects only to fail to complete them I honestly couldn’t count them. And I agree with GSXRScott–you went a step further than I did. You bought the shotgun. Once I rented a nice hotel room in a happening US City, invited all my friends to say “goodbye,” and when I learned none of them would come, I didn’t go through with my plan, losing $3000 in fees. Another time I got in my car to drive West from Iowa City to do it. How? I didn’t have a clue. I got all the way to Montana in a snow storm and chickened out. So you have some cajones getting the shotgun, and then preparing to use it.
And I totally agree with you on the “driven” thing. I mean, where does it get us? Another step closer to the grave. Anyhow, please post again. I’d like to read more from you–and to reply, if you don’t mind.
@NothingAmI
Thanks for the interest. If something comes to mind then I’ll post it on here, usually I just jot some things down from the day to relieve some stress or just burn up time but if I happen to scribble down something I think the community would take interest in, I’d be happy to post it on here.
@Hekuli
I’ll get kind of optimistic real quick and point out that you said “possibility”. Don’t think this is the only option if you aren’t here yet. Try and avoid it best you can. Think of it as the Dead warning the Living from befalling the same fate they did.