Why I feel this way I don’t know. I’m just upset about nothing. Pathetic, really. Right? I wasn’t bullied. I wasn’t raped. I wasn’t abused. I’m just sad. I really do wish that I had a proper reason; a trigger; a valid purpose for wanting to end my life. They all say life will get better, but I don’t think it will. I used to. I thought this was all just a phase; a couple years of my life spent wallowing in my own pity and sadness. I’m only a teenager, after all. I will be sad sometimes. But this is a new feeling. A feeling […]
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Back Of My Mind
My name is Christiane and I am 20 years old. This is my story.
My mom and dad had been fighting badly the past few years. They had been married 19 years but were together for 22 years. We lived in Florida as the only blood family around. All our family lived in California. My dad would get angry with my mom and fly her there when he thought he was done with her. This was about the third or fourth time it happened and during this last time my mom was in California, my dad took his own life.
On April 11, 2013 I came home […]
I wish I could restart like a video game. Start over new so I could do everything differently. Every time I turn on my iPod every song I listen to has memories attached to them. I don’t want these memories any more.
I just want to forget the past and let go of this pain. This pain is like a rope that won’t hang me, instead it holds me back, stopping me from moving on.
I just want to let go of the past. The memories. The pain they cause.
I just want to move past this.
I don’t care how I do it, weather it’s with […]
Of course, I want to like Trevor. But there’s always something in the back of my mind that says I shouldn’t. Oh well. Said voice can find a new hobby. I mean, I’ve realized that Trevor is pretty awesome. But if he doesn’t like me, then good for him. I’m not saying that I’ll be completely mad and thinking that I’m better than him, ’cause I’m not. All humans are equal, except in their acts. I mean, you can’t say that you’re equal to Hitler in acts unless you did the same things he did. But Trevor hasn’t done anything bad that I know of, […]
Hello.
Let me just start out by saying my life has been shitty since my teenage years. I started really feeling these types of feelings when I was 13. It was bad, really bad. My family life was not great and I had no social skills. I wasn’t abused, mistreated or any of the like. I just didn’t really develop those social skills you need to succeed in life. I started having these thoughts at 13 and it progressed as I got older and nothing really improved. There was something in the back of my mind which kept telling me things will get better, don’t give […]
I have an important assignment for school, that I NEED to do today, it’s already like a week late, and it basically determines if I graduate from high school. But I can’t work on it. My mind is reeling, it’s not ordered, it’s not focused, its all over the place. I NEED to do this assignment but I can’t. I just keep thinking about all my fuckups. I keep remembering the last time I was happy, and I want to go back there. I want to but I can’t it’s in the past and I can’t get it back. I’ve been so unhappy for so […]
when you are REALLY tired, you always want the easy way out, its like listening to a scratched record over and over again when someone who thinks they know really doesnt know, and they try to preach to you. i remembered my mentally handicapped brother god rest his soul being tied to a radiator in the bathroom with a belt while my 22 yr old mother ran the street and left us, i remember being locked in a room for days with a skeleton key without food or water and being BEAT for sneaking out trying to find something to eat. i remember there being nothing in […]
I simply do not understand people that are “driven”. What’s so different about them that creates such a huge difference between myself and them. I’m a decent fellow, cordial to my friends, says “yes ma’m” and “no sir” and yet I’m so troubled and they are seemingly so carefree. I frankly cannot comprehend how it is possible for them. But I digress, I suppose by this point you can extrapolate the fact that I am not driven. I fear responsibility and any situation that could potentially turn out badly. For some, this would result in focus and determination to create positive outcomes, to avoid those […]
As far back as I can remember, I’ve always had this nagging thought in the back of my mind. This thought that life is pointless and tiresome. I don’t remember much of being a child. It is as though I was someone else before I became a teenager. Photographs are life’s little moments captured in a stillframe and frozen. Looking at childhood pictures bothers me, because I feel as though I am looking at someone else. I feel as though the pictures are supposed to make me recall the moment in the photo. But I don’t. I don’t remember dressing in the clothes I am […]
I’ve gone through this site a bit.
I decided to join because it looks like there’s some hints of people succeeding.
I’ve never managed to complete an exit. I’ve tried to overdose, and hang myself, but somewhere along the way I get scared- I text someone I know in the back of my mind will come, or call someone who will. Someone who will talk me out of it and take care of me for a while.
Last time I overdosed I was  stuck in kid mode. For a month my boyfriend got me dressed in the morning, made me eat breakfast, walked me to my lectures to […]
So I woke up another morning. I saw my therapist this morning and told her nothing of my plans to kill myself or how bad the urge has gotten. How much I think about death. That I don’t see myself making it another month. What’s the point in counseling?? You can’t be honest…you tell them that you want to die and you will be thrown in a mental hospital which in my experience does nothing but make you wanna cut more and wanna die. I’ve done what I was supposed to do..i got “help”, I take the medicine everyday and I do all the coping […]
For the past year, the past fucking year, this guy and I have been trying to hang out to try to get back together. Our plans have never really work out but at least we keep trying. He’s always been an on and off douche though. He’ll say he wants to be together then the next week he never texts me. I don’t know why I keep trying to get back together with him though.
Today though, I learned he made out with a girl over memorial weekend. To make it even better, I already hate this girl cause she made my friend and her boyfriend […]
I can’t do anything at this point. I get drunk all the time, as often as I can. I take advantage of other people. People I’m supposed to care about. I owe people a bunch of money. I’m living off my family. I can’t hold a job, I don’t have any friends, and I don’t care about people who care about me. I want it to stop. I want to stop being me, I want to stop thinking about all of my problems, I want to stop contemplating suicide and just do it. I thought about it all the time when I was 14, I […]
It’s been at the back of my mind for a while. But now I’ve come to realise that it’s more than just suicidal thoughts. I’ve gotten to a point where I just have this really strong feeling that there’s something not right about me being alive. It’s not a result of bullying or any sort of trauma, it’s just a feeling, a really strong one. Over the past few weeks I’ve been putting myself through relatively dangerous “tests” to see whether I belong here or not. So far, I’ve survived them (clearly) but they’re not enough proof for me that I belong anymore. I just […]
all of this pain…it didnt just come alive inside of me. it brought on throughout the years. i remember myself being such a happy child. i remember loving life and i remember i hated thought of dying. then i got to 5th grade and thats when everything started to change. people started to make fun of me because of my weight and because i wasnt all that smart.6th grade was the worst. the kids in my class tricked me into thinking that this guy really liked me and after a while i started to really like him too. then they told me that he never liked me […]
No one knows that I feel this way. Â It’s not even consistent. Â Except for being tired almost all day, everyday. Â Random occurrences here and there. Â That’s pretty much it. Â I have no reason to even be thinking like this but I can’t escape the pain I have. Â I have great friends, a loving family, but it doesn’t matter. Â I’m only 16 and the thought of taking my life is getting more and more appealing. Â What am I thinking? Â Is this normal? Â Reading all of these stories makes me feel like an attention seeker for not even having a reason to feel this way, but I’m […]
I’m the good girl in my family. The smiling one. The girl who’s always offering to help out around the house. The girl my parents have never really had to worry about. I only ever argue with my sister, and I get on really well with almost my whole family. I’m the bright, spirited one. I have an opinion on everything, but I accept everyone. I’m the kind and loving girl and my parents constantly tell me how much I mean to them.
But that’s changed so suddenly.
In just a matter of days, I’ve fallen apart.
The thoughts have been there for years, but only now are […]
I’m S. I suffer with bipolar disorder. I was bullied all through school and had trouble making friends. I was raped when I was six then again at 12 after which I attempted suicide. I grew up with a perfect family. I have always been extremely close to my mam, dad and sisters. Last year I found out my dad is not my biological father when someone emailed me saying that I’m there sister. I now have 7 new brothers and sisters and a biological father who is currently in rehab. My family hasn’t changed but I haven’t coped with it I’ve just pushed it […]
I HATE THIS. I feel so many things, and at the same time I feel nothing. I spend part of my day believing that everything will turn out alright, and I spend the other part wondering how I can even fathom waking up tomorrow. I’ve managed to turn my life upside down (feel free to have a look at previous posts for something of an explanation, if you really care). I’ve hurt one of the people I love and need most. Not that she knows how much I need her in my life. She said I keep too much to myself, that I’m too secretive. […]
half heartedly i name the things
you suggested to me
somewhat in consideration but
in the back of my mind this just isnt right
the stars are too bright too clear
i dont want to see whats happening
yeah sure write what you want
the weekly apology
try to invest in me
have a morning glass of gasoline
have an afternoon light
when a break from bad luck is right
life leads you through a bad scene
focus only on whats happening
don’t forget details are the key
ever since i chose what i chose
i have antarctic bones
real love is a daydream
absent from reality
i cant seem to find it within me
not anyone except for you
can give it straight
bring it […]