Hello there. This is my first time on this site so let me just give you some background info about me. I’m 15 years old and a sophomore in high school. When i was in Kindergarten through 5th grade i was bullied harshly. I was bullied for the way i smelled. A guy, Alec, and his friends would make fun of me EVERY SINGLE DAY. They made my life a living hell. They were also on my bus. I remember one incident where i was sitting on the bus and Alec took out his phone and took a video of me sitting there and he said “The lovely lady of loovee…NOT!” this was in about 3rd grade andÂ went home crying. I told my dad about the situation. We got the principal involved but she didnt do shit. She threatened to give them detention if they bothered me again. That didnt stop them. They made up a thing called the “Lindsey-touch”. I had many suicidal thoughts but i never followed through with it because i didnt want to hurt my family. In like 4th grade, i remember one day my dad told me not to drink the stuff in the kitchen sink because he put poison in it to clean it and it would kill me. Later that day i remember going up to the sink and i seriously thought about drinking it to end my misery. But i talked myself out of it. My parents are divorced, they got divorced when i was 2 or 3. My dad has a girlfriend named Gina. She’s a mega *****. She makes a big deal out of everything. I can’t stand her. She has a son named Benjamin. He has been in love with me for years. And i kinda like him back. He’s only 12 though. We’re like best friends and we always play video games and do stuff together. He can be really annoying though. He still acts like he’s 3. Ok, so now that you have some background info i will share with you a journal entry that i wrote last night. I paraphrased some of the beginning so that the rest of it would make sense to you. Sorry its so long.
Well im a sophomore now. And life seems pretty great. I joined the marching band and we got a superior rating (best rating possible, and also the first time in our school’s history that we got one) and best woodwinds at the festival!! Marching band is my life <3. And now I’m starting to join a new group of friends (the Lauren, Emily,Lewis,Louis,etc. group) but here’s the thing – i still feel like the odd one out. But i didnt start to join their group until mid- October so i guess it’s because im the newbie. Today is Halloween because Chris Christie (NJ governor) moved it to today because of Hurricane Sandy.
Just an update. I went trick-or-treating. By myself. I got a shit load of candy though- 131 pieces- even though i only hit maybe 20 houses. People just dumped their bowls into my bag pretty much. The reason why I’m updating you is because im trying to distract myself from going on Facebook. People are posting statuses and pictures of themselves trick-or-treating. If i look itll make me feel like shit because i went alone. If anyone asks, I went with Benjamin and he was a ninja (He couldnt go because he was at his dad’s house). Some people (Lewis) are posting statuses and tagging people in it saying how much fun they had. I really dont need to see that shit when Im feeling so low. Not sure why ive been feeling so shitty lately- i blame hormones. Fuck, i hope my period’s not coming. Cycle is about over. Maybe thats whats making me feel so bipolar lately. Like legit friday night i felt the shittiest ive felt in a LONG TIME… i felt so alone and out of place. The Saturday i was back to my old self- happy, carefree, and social (Saturday was the festival). Yesterday (Sunday), i felt normal- so-so and then today i felt like shit. I dont know whats wrong with me. I pray to God that its hormones and ill feel like my old self again soon and that im not going crazy of becoming bipolar. Maybe i should use this journal more. It really does help. Although writing this is making me tear up for some reason. Ya know, today wasnt that bad- i got to talk to my friends, both old and new, i got Subway for dinner, and i got a lot of candy. But really, all day during school, i just wanted to go home, listen to depressing music (that actually makes me feel better- believe it or not!), cry, and write in this journal. Well, i accomplished some of it- i wrote in this journal and cried a bit. Sorry if im babbling but id rather not go do my Functions homework or go on Facebook right now because if i stop writing, ill end up on Facebook and then ill feel like shit again. Im not really sure what to do… if i go on my phone, ill end up on Facebook, if i go on my PC, ill end up on Facebook. My eyes are too tired to read yet im wide awake. Now it’s 10:36 pm. The distraction is working :D. I really need to stop feeling sorry for myself-its my own fault- i had the opportunity to ask someone if i could join them in trick or treating but i missed my chance because of that stupid fear of rejection. Fuck you Alec and CJ and everyone else from St.Mary’s. FUCK YOU! They are the reason why i am still pretty anti social and fear rejection. I will never get those years that were supposed to be happy and carefree back. My childhood was a waste. They are the reason why i was too awkward in 6th and 9th grade to make a lot of friends. Because of them i missed out on potential friends and memories. Sometimes i wish i did kill myself that one time… Maybe i wouldve been happier and better off. Ok, i take that back. Saying that made me cry for 10-15 minutes. Here’s how i comforted myself: Your life DOES have a purpose. God put you here for a reason. You didnt kill yourself for a reason. Your life right now is actually the best its been in YEARS. It could be so much worse. You could be bullied at school again. Gina’s actually been nice lately. She couldÂ be in another bitchy phase. This is your break period from all the shit in life. Enjoy it while it lasts.| I discovered that I’m like Katniss (from the Hunger Games). Ive been through all this shit and i just need my “flower”, my Peeta. In my case my Peeta is Benjamin. Strange to think of him in that way, but thats the way it is. He cheers me up. He keeps me going. And i do the same for him. He’s always loved me, like Peeta, and I, like Katniss, just kinda shoved him off. I really shouldnt but its a subconcious thing. Im just not ready for him yet and he’s not ready for me. Hopefully when we’re older and our parents arent dating that we could at least still be close friends, if nothing more. Knowing that he’s my Peeta isnt going to stop me from dating, nor should it stop him. Perhaps ill find a temporary Peeta.| I’ve been thinking… You know, i think i was dealt a bad hand in life, and heres why. As you know, im a very emotional and sensitive person. And when i was younger i was super shy.So you have that plus getting bullied in grades K-5 and obviously the results will not be good. That plus the fact that i didnt have many friends and my family enjoyed (and still occasionally does enjoy) making fun of me. Those wouldve been enough to push someone over the edge. And it nearly did. Not sure how many suicidal thoughts i had then. So after all that shit, you add moving in with your dad’s gf (who you hate) and having to go to a new school and make new friends. Then all the shit you gotta put up with while living with Gina and Benjamin (he’s not as bad as he used to be but still…). All those times i planned to run away… And all the middle school drama and shit you gotta deal with. And yet somehow Im still alive, i havent run away, and im still sane (i think and hope). I think God’s been testing me. Trying to find my breaking point. Trying to push me over the edge. So that i give in. Throw in the towel. Kill myself. End the misery. And yet im still here. I cling to the hope that i will reap the benefits in heaven for enduring these hardships. That the afterlife will be much greater because i endured it all, passed the tests, didnt give in. But theres still the doubt. Is it really worth the trouble? What if i endured this in vain? It feels as is my defenses are weakening even though they should be getting stronger. At what point will enough be enough? What is it that will push me over the edge? A little argument? I hope not. I just cant resist the urge forever. So now im left with more questions than answers. Am i suicidal? I didnt think i was. I didnt think i was depressed. Perhaps i am depressed. They say that those who are depressed put on the happiest of faces. But i never feel depressed except for days like today and it always seems like its because of hormones. I am usually happy. Having a good time. Laughing. Joking. Is this all a facade set up by my subconscious? Am i subconsciously fighting the battle of depression? I dont know what to do. I dont want to burden my friends with my problems. Its not like i trust them enough to tell them anyway. Dont get me wrong- theyre the best and i love them butÂ i dont know… it took me like 2 years to open up to Mia (best friend in middle school) but i dont see her anymore and shes different now. I also dont want to turn to my family either. Theyll get me pysch appointments and ill be put on anti depressants and ill have to go to counseling. Theyll also worry too much. Too much unwanted attention. I cant turn to those lifeline phone numbers either because im not planning on killing myself anytime soon. I dont think im suicidal. So now that i opened up and actually evaluated my life, i guess its not as “great” as it seemed.