Well this is kinda weird being back here after 2 years.. I can say that things do get better if you just wait it out but thats not really the reason ive returned (if ya catch my drift). Things DO get better with time but things can also get so much worse, hence why im back. For me, well, things were great.. then everything went to shit all at the same time. How much worse, you ask? Well:
- I’m a female-to-male transgendered senior in high school
- I get bullied in school because i decided to come out to people i supposedly “trust”
- My mom is moving 400 miles away and my dad is trying to make me move back in with him
- Various transgender issues (i.e. body dysphoria, worrying about my safety, discrimination, etc.)
- The return of my lifelong pal, depression 😀
- Also the struggle of trying to handle going to both high school and college night classes
If you talk to me in person, I seem fine and like im handling everything perfectly well, but the truth is, im getting bad again. On the bright side, i dont self harm anymore.. but i kinda replaced that with occasional drug use so i guess thats still kinda bad. I really dont know what im doing anymore. Some days i feel somewhat okay but most days i cant even handle getting out of bed. I keep trying to avoid school but i cant keep skipping school because its so early in the year and we can only have 12 absences before we have to go to “credit completion” at the end of the year.
Then theres this mini war going on in my family over where im going to live and go to school. My mom wants me to go with her, my dad wants me to move in with him, and my brother offered to move in where i live until i finish out school. Honestly, id love to live with my brother and stay here but im not too sure whats going to happen. It’s not a huge deal but we’ve been constantly discussing it for a month now so anytime i hear anything else about it from my parents i want to fucking scream because im sick of hearing about it. They’re beating the subject to death. It really makes me want to kill myself so that everyone will be happy, i wont have to deal with this shit-load of stress, and they wont have to worry about where im going to live. The thing is, my mom is giving me a choice, i can stay where i am or go with her or my dad. BUT the exception is that if i display any depression, suicidal thoughts, or suicidal actions, i have no choice and have to live with either her or my dad. So im really fucked. I dont want to go with either of them but i feel depressed and suicidal. So i guess im gonna have to pretend everythings alright for the next 6 months? I dont even know. If i were to attempt suicide, id have to be sure itd kill me because otherwise my life will be hell. And we all know that you cant guarantee your suicide will be successful… otherwise i think most of us on here wouldnt be alive. Guess ill just have to sit and bear it for now..