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my suicide attempt

by crust

On march 8, 2012 I put a 12-gauge shotgun under my chin and shot myself. I was told no one had ever survived a shot-gun blast to the head, so I had hoped anywhere above the neck would work. Fortunately I called a friend and told her I was about to kill myself and long story short there were cops and paramedics outside my apartment when it happened. The gun wasn’t loaded when I called my friend. It was when I heard a knock on my door that I ran to my room and loaded it. I then put it under my chin, went to the bathroom, so I wouldn’t get blood all over the carpet, said a quick prayer to reduce the chance of going to hell in case such a place does exist, and pulled the trigger. I recall blacking out for a few seconds and then waking up on the floor screaming with blood flooding out my mouth and cops in my apartment telling me to put my hands where they could see them. They quickly rushed me to the ambulance. I asked the driver if I was going to die and he said he didn’t know. Five days later I woke up in the hospital and the first thing I saw was my family. It was within a few days that it was explained to me that a shot-gun blast directly to the head may be a sure kill, but because they are so long shotgun suicides aren’t 100% fatal. There is now a pellet between my right eye and my retina. I lost my upper lip most of my nose, most of my teeth, and the tip of my tongue. I have double-vision, have had four surgeries this year, and have at least a few more to go. Until recently, I didn’t know slugs were so much more powerful than shells that fire bird shot. . I went two months without eating or drinking liquids and still to this day have a feeding tube in my stomach, because I have had to go periods without eating or drinking liquids after surgeries and don’t know yet whether or not I will still have to fast after future surgeries. I had to get shots in my thy, or stomach twice a day for a while and undergone numerous painful procedures in the hospital since the trauma. If that pellet had gone any further upwards than it did I may have either died, or gone blind and suffered brain damage. What I find most scary is that if I didn’t call my friend I may have bled to death and been unable to breathe while conceous. If anyone reading this decides to use a shot-gun for suicide, just know to use buck shot, or slugs if you live in an apartment and people live above you, because if you use bird shot, pellets can hit the ceiling and your upstairs neighbor can get hurt. One pellet hit my ceiling and fortunately my neighbor wasn’t at the wrong place at the wrong time.


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rocketman 11/12/2012 - 7:18 pm

I’m very sorry for you I hate stories like that but thanks for sharing it, I’m wishing you the best of luck.

HarryJP 11/12/2012 - 8:32 pm

wow. I am really sorry about that. So many things went thru my mind reading that, i dont know what to say

jjgirl13 11/13/2012 - 3:32 am

I’m not quite sure what to say. It sounds like you are still happy to be alive though. Sorry about the suffering you’ve been enduring.

crust 11/14/2012 - 1:08 am

Hey thanks Rocketman. I have to be honest though. The truth is I have always had a number of things in my life to be grateful for. I’m sorry for those who have such rough relationships with their parents, because mine are great! In spite some serious hostility I had toward them as a teenager, they have really helped me a lot. My physical health has been mostly good and it’s really my mental health that has been the challenge. As a teen, I wasn’t that appreciative of things and as a man nearing 30, I am grateful, but what I struggle with is being happy. My life in Idaho was far better than any other life I’d lived and could count my blessings to infinity, but unfortunately like everyone else I do have problems and it’s unfortunate that a few of those problems lead to me doing something that would hurt everyone who cares about me. None-the less I am grateful, still hanging on and wanting to incurrage everyone else to do the same.

crust 11/14/2012 - 1:15 am

Hey Harry.
Sometimes it’s better just to listen. One of the things I’ve struggled with is finding comfort. If only it was easier to get the message across that all I want to do is vent and advice is not necessary and that sometimes a little I’m sorry for what you went through is all I need. I’m sure I’m not alone there. Those few words you did say were just fine unless you want to add more. Either way thanks

crust 11/14/2012 - 1:20 am

Hey jj.
As I told harry, sometimes it’s better to listen. I’m grateful for a lot of things. It’s funny how right after you said you don’t know what to say you said it just perfectly. A positive look at what I have witch is gratitude and and sympathy. Sometimes that’s all I need.

Some Random Man 11/14/2012 - 1:25 am

I’m sorry for the pain you went through, crust.

I also believe this is one more reason why legal access to a comfortable and reliable suicide method is called for.

That and the fact people should be able to do as they wish with their own lives.

crust 11/14/2012 - 6:52 pm

I have felt that way for years. It’s unfortunate that to keep from ever suffering we must die and cause more suffering to those who care, but at the same time by not having that legal access people will use much more harmful methods and in cases like mine even risk someone else getting hurt. I also didn’t wanna tell anyone before it happened because going to a psyche unit would keep me from acting, but I often fear they endanger mental health because a lot of people working in mental health settings seem to think it’s okay to talk down to patients. I’m gray when it comes to the debate on whether or not suicide should be legal, but for right now I figure I’m alive so I should make the best of it.

seanmullins 11/7/2020 - 8:49 pm

I have lived through a traumatic event in the war in Afghanistan and think about suicide every day. I’m not even sure what keeps me going any more, I guess it’s the fear of how to actually go through with what you did. It takes a lot of guts to pull that trigger. I am sorry for what has happened to you and I’m glad you’re still with us. I have no advice to give, just want to say that your story gives me more pause in doing the inevitable. I know it’s been a while, but I hope your life has turned around for the better. I’m hoping I can figure out my shit too.

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