Hi,
I am new to this sight, but wanted to share just a bit to those who are considering suicide. As a bit of background, I am a nearly 60 woman with 4 grown kids and 3 grandkids, married to the same man for over 40 years, upper middle class, fairly attractive, intelligent, witty, talented and loved. But last year all hell broke lose…..
My first time in the hospital was in Dec 2011, I self checked in because I had become obsessive about suicide and was tempting fate with pills, a loaded gun, knife to wrist and other dangerous and fatal things and ideas. I didn’t REALLY want to die, but my emotional pain was getting greater than my desire to live. The 4 day hospital stay was, I thought, helpful, but then 2 months later, Feb 2012, something inside snapped, like a bone breaking… I took two Xanax a couple of shots of Tequila, hooked a vacuum hose to the tailpipe of the car, started the car and fell asleep, fully expecting I would wake up somewhere else. My husband was at the gym and felt he should go home and cut his workout short. So instead of waking up somewhere else, I woke up to a terrified man trying to let him take me to the hospital. I wouldn’t cooperate, so he called 911 and I was taken by ambulance. The next week, me, my husband and the dog drove over to California where I stayed another 4 days. Again helpful, but not solved. We then drove over and spent a few days on the beach. I love the ocean!! and it was theraputic. When we returned to our home in Utah, I went to three weeks of intensive out patient group therapy, again helpful. I was put on Cymbalta for the depression and the psychs wanted to add some other drugs, but I refused. Altho, the med was also helpful, I didn’t like not feeling ANYTHING, so a couple of months ago I weaned myself off. However, I did it too quickly and had some major meltdowns while my husband and I were on our 42nd wedding anniversary trip to Sedona and San Diego. Suicide crossed my mind briefly, I physically attacked my husband during a trivial argument and I tore up my inner arms with my nails and a seashell while walking on the beach. At this time, which is Nov 2012, I am feeling pretty stable altho still depersonalized. I KNOW for me suicide is no longer an option. I am trying to find my way back to a relationship with God as I understand Him, listening to Christian music, talking with friends and family and hoping to do some volunteer work once I am stronger or after the holidays, whichever comes first.
LIFE IS HARD!!!! And when you are depressed and anxious, it’s like there is only darkness in your heart and soul. You lose sight of ANY meaning to your life and the pain is unbearable!!! I KNOW!!! I wish I had some magic wand to convince you to keep going another minute, another hour, another day. You ARE worth it. Find the strength, somehow, to find someone to help you… whether friend, family or professional. Keeping it all in is poisening your thinking further. It’s like having a giant boil on your brain, you MUST take off some of the pressure or your head will explode. LIFE CAN GET BETTER!!! Just take another breath and another and another……. Read good stuff, listen to good music, get some fresh air, scream out loud, look yourself in the eyes in the mirror with at least a small degree of love and appreciation, allow people into your darkness,……PRAY even though you think your prayers are bouncing off the ceiling.
DO NOT LET THE POWERS OF DARKNESS WIN!!!!!! I don’t know you, but even as a stranger, I am reaching out to you. Your suicide ripples out and will sadden more people than you think. I was and still am surprised at the reaction I get when I tell people I got to that edge. Everyone has been supportive and tried to understand to the best of their ability. I am begging you, please LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!