Trapped inside myself

Ive been thinking of suicide lately and this is not the first time i have attempted before and failed, i really thourght i had got myself over the worst of it after that until recently. Me and my gf split after a long period of being in a kind of together but technically not situation after i messed up an hurt her (wasn’t the worst thing i could of done but it was bad) all the guilt of hurting the person i love the most has kickstarted my depression and i did try to deal with it but im getting nowhere, i dont feel like i can turn to proffesional help after i stopped seeing my counsiler when my doctor looked at me as if i was stupid when i told him i made an attempt on my life and when i tried to talk to a friend i was accused of something that isnt there. Im feeling like a train without a driver at the moment and started to abuse alcohol and drugs (not to the point of dependance just using in excess) and feel so trapped that there is nowhere i can turn without lack of empithy, lack of caring or im met with accusations. Im really at breaking point the last attempt i feel was more of a cry for help but now i actually want this but i dont want to hurt my family as they have a history of suicide. Any advice would be much appreciated even though it might not seem like that