I’ve never looked completely normal just enough to ‘pass’.
Whenever my limits reared their ugly heads I was called a ‘faker’. Raised before bullies existed.
Raped by a female classmate before there was anyone to tell. Does that really happen between 2 girls?
The only redeemer was a mind that was sharp but then left out because I got moved ahead. Still alone.
An ‘afterthought’ child with siblings moved to be on their own; just an ‘irritant’ when I was around them.
Raised by a couple who were better as grandparents not wanting to be a mom and dad again; just pretending.
Wanting to be special to someone, be loved and accepted only to be used for sex and pretending it was all okay.
Married with no family celebration because of the man I choose; whose loved me for 23 years.
Betrayed again by my body when we wanted our brood; only to have one.
Criticised for any success; my motives had to be all wrong.
I finally reach my forties to be told my doctors my body was trashed; I live in the skin of an eighty year old.
Now, I can no longer work, adding nothing to my family but doctors, hospitals and bills.
No parents to share my son with as there love and their lives are dead and gone.
My siblings whom I always looked up to tell me “I love you but never really liked you”; taking my heart and cutting it through.
I live in a world of wounds and pain in my body, my heart and my mind; why should I go on……..
2 comments
Hello awasteofspace,
Why does your doctor think you have an 80 year old body? Would love to try to understand what you’re going through. Must admit that some of it was hard to read as I am a 51 year old woman who had my last child late in life…there is almost 20 years between her and her siblings…but I hope we don’t have the same issues…mostly because I live for her and because of her for the most part.
Just curious…are your physical issues a result of previous attempts or self harm…or do you have other issues such as auto immune disorders or perhaps Fibromyalgia or CFS? I dunno…something there seems kinda familiar.
Myself…I was given a good report on my 40th BD…just the year before I was given less than 6 months…and my daughter was only 2 sooooo…from suicidal to hanging on by my fingertips…ah life…hahaha
Peace
Amakua
Thank you for our response.
You are quite right about the combination of health issues that I suffer with. Not only do I have the dreaded CFS/Fybro combo but I was also born with multiple orthopedic defects. I was never expected to walk and because I was stubborn and did, I actually did more damage. For example I use the example that the geography of the bones in my feet is completely and it was amazing I ever had any mobility.
My older siblings thus had this baby come into their teenage life (17 yr old bro & 14 yr old sis) had this baby sis who was handicapped and thus demanded even more than the normal attention. I am sure that I appeared to steel our mom at a time when she needed her most. Our mom was also born handicapped and taught me to be ashamed to appear to have limits or to ask for help.
The summer of my 12th birthday my sis’ hubby committed suicide, leaving her with two small babies. So there is very little of my life that doesn’t have memories tainted by suicide.
The last two years of my life have been a living hell and I question the feasiblity of going on with life.