i thought i was over being sad. i thought maybe i’d finally moved on or at least banished it to the dark recesses of my head. but it’s here and it hasn’t left. i will be the sole reason why my life will end horribly. i just can’t rid myself of this fucking anxiety and anger. i’m so angry. saw a shrink for the first time in a very long time because i feel on the verge of losing my shit on a daily basis. she thinks it’s because i’m so depressed deep down that i’m not doing anything with my life that i thought i’d be doing. i think of dying so often these days. just to think i could be dead right now makes me feel utter relief and horrible guilt at the same time. i am a selfish, evil person and nobody really knows my true nature i think. an ex best friend told me when our relationship ended that i do horrible things to people and i think he was right. i know that i’m going to lose the love of my life because i am so horrible. tonight was going well until i let my sadness and insecurity get the best of me and it escalated so quickly… he was screaming at me, saying that i’m a fucking ***** and he doesn’t like the way i treat him. i think i treat people badly because i hate myself. i just wish this could be over. some days i don’t think i’ll make it through. i am grateful for my life but at the same time i just wish it would end. it is draining me to pretend to be happy, to pretend that i want to be here when i just want to disappear. i am a miserable person in many ways. the worst part of it is that i can’t come to anyone in my real life with these feelings. just hoping that someone out here will read this and know they’re not alone.
2 comments
Hello Lewhi,
First time posting? Just wanted to let you know that I read your post and to welcome you to SP. Not sure that you even want comments…but it kinda hit home. I am an old woman…and I just recently realized why I have been so angry. It wasn’t so much that I treated people like shit…oh yeah I did…but I was testing them…constantly. Sometimes I was mean just so people would leave me the hell alone.
Turns out it was all based on my childhood abandonment issues as well as my life experiences…I am a survivor of childhood sexual assault…many actually. So yeah…I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to be with me…I didn’t. I was jealous, insecure, confrontational, irrational…and with a tongue like a double-edged sword. It’s like…ummm…I’m gonna hurt you before you get a chance to hurt me. Bottom line…it can get better.
Sorry you are so upset…really just wanted to let you know that I am here if you want to talk or rant.
Peace
Amakua
Your not alone. This is a really good site for support. You can change your life with baby steps. Just baby steps. I have to use this method everyday, it works. Don’t set high standards if you can not achieve it, you’ll only set yourself up for failure. Baby steps. That’s all you have to do.