it just seems to me now at any point in time no matter my expresion or actions it’s in my mind, i cant get rid of it and i dont think i want it to leave me sometimes, but i feel guilty about leaving, i know how i want to do it, i’ve tried before always the same way slitting my wrists i got so close recently but my friend broke down the bathroom stall before i could fully bleed out but I was so close I could feel the refreshing breath on my burning skin. It never mattered that i had friends to hand out with, talked to an ocasional girl (very occasionally) I just feel empty, i have plenty of hobbies including cutting as much as I can get away with, succeeded in sports through high school to an extent of course, even discovered a special talent for rock climbing, but its still there that godforsaken hole inside of me its relentless existence fights to the forefront of my mind every waking moment I push on through my pathetic existence, i hardly sleep more then five hours per three days now, and thats only because I pass out unwillingly. I can’t find anything better then a few momentary distractions, just glimpses at a fleeting vision. What’s worse is I can’t bring myself to do it because my friends are too good for me and care too much, I asked one of my best friends why she cared so much and she told me “because i can see you without these problems” Â she has suicidal tendencies as well, now i’m caught and feel like i’m being torn apart within more so then ever, no answer is close to simple or easy, I dont know what to do, but what’s new? I dont want to just continue to merely exist, it feels like a waste when the planet is so over populated, i’m just a problem, always a third wheel, always a poser and always worthless.
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Hey Scopulus,
Are you new to SP? I just wanted to let you know that I read your post…and am so sorry that you are feeling so badly 🙁 and that I am here to talk or listen if you would like.
Let me know
Peace
Amakua
i dont know if you’ll have time if half the people you asked actually respond back to you, and yea i’m new here, its just kinda my last effort.
Hey Scopulus…hahaha…I’m here. Sorta. So welcome to SP…I will be your unofficial tour guide…haha Know that you are very welcome and that there are lots of kind souls here that would love to talk to you, listen to you…and perhaps make you crazier…but we are all either suicidal or survivors here for the most part. No one picks up a pay envelope at the end of the day…so you never know who is gonna be around and when…and as can happen…sometimes posts don’t always get commented on. But then we are all working in different time zones as well. I am not pro suicide myself…but I am a survivor. And I was never a cutter or anything…and I am an old woman…but there are lots of folks here I am sure you can relate better to…I just wanted to welcome you and let you know you were heard. The others will come around in time I am sure..and in the meantime I wanted to suggest if you haven’t already done so…that while you’re waiting for them to get out of bed or get home from school…you might want to read some of the other posts while you are waiting. If you feel like it…leave a comment…or if you feel you can relate or have something to offer. Sometimes we help ourselves by helping others…and it is sometimes the best way to meet people on here…just saying…haha So yes, I am just getting ready for my day…but I am not the only one here…thank God. But understand that sometimes you have to be looking to find. Also you can feel free to make a new post…perhaps further explain your situation and what if anything we can offer you…other than someone to listen and comisserate with…would you like to feel better? or do you just want someone to know how bad you are feeing? Some people want answers or friendship…some just want to rant. No matter what…you are welcome…and I am here now and listening.
I wish you “Peace of Mind” no matter what
Amakua