“I don’t know,” is the answer to everything now a days..

I was going to post something  about 2 months ago, but I saved it as a draft by accident. As I always say, a lot can happen in 1 month. In September, we got the news that one of my uncles had bone marrow cancer for 3 years. He’s the only person in our family we weren’t close with, so we didn’t know he had one of the worst cancers anyone could go through. This brought my family together. On October 25th, my Uncle passed away surrounded by his sisters and children, It was sad. His brothers ( my other uncles ) had left to go pick up my little cousin from school. Once they came back, he was gone. I spiraled into a deep depression, which I’m still trying to get out of.. I wasn’t close with my Uncle, but knowing that the person who I sat at the dinner table 3 weeks before, was gone hit me. I began questioning life, and death. I began questioning God. I don’t know if I believe in God. I don’t know if his plan is really worth it. I don”t know. All I know is, my Uncle was taken away from us, just when my family was getting close to him and his children.

I began cutting almost everyday. If I didn’t cut, it wouldn’t feel right. I don’t know, it was kind of my routine for most of life until now. Since then, I have taken breaks from cutting. I’ve tried to recover numerous times, but I’d relapse after 8-10 days.

My friends make me feel like shit most of the time as well. I’m beginning to hate them more than I like them. I feel like my ‘best-friend’ is really just trying to make my life hell.  She has also self harmed before, but she just does it for attention. She  always has her sleeves rolled up, and she always shows her cuts to people. She’s really cocky, and self absorbed. She says she’s fat at 120 pounds, but she always brags about her hip and collar bones? Also since I was diagnosed with PTSD and general anxiety disorder, she’s been saying she has anxiety? She’s honestly one of the people who makes me want to kill myself, everyday. I’m beginning really hate her.

My ex best-friend also keeps on coming back into my life in weird ways. Whenever I’d start to forget about him, he’d just pop up out of no where. It seems like my ‘best-friend’ is trying to make me jealous, because of the fact he hates me, but doesn’t hate her.

My parents are always fighting now. They never stop, and I’m getting really sick of it. They make me want to kill myself.

I’ve been clean for 11 days. Hopefully I can keep on fighting, and hopefully I don’t relapse. Wish me luck, xx S.