Where do I start…
I’ll start by saying I am not depressed.
That said, I am just tired of life. Depression includes a whole lot of symptoms and the bigger ones are sadness, loneliness and other synonymous emotions. I am not sad, nor am I lonely.
At the moment it’s winter and it’s darker than usual. That may effect me in some ways right now, but I’ve had these thoughts for 6 months now. Longer even. And without a hint of sadness behind them.
I don’t want to live, because I have no drive to do so anymore. I feel infinite amount of contempt towards today’s society and it gets worse with every day. My family is having a hard time financially. And I am actually unsure of what to do when I finish high school, since every course of action I think of seems worse than the last;
* I could go to a University, but that’d require money. Something which we don’t really have. My dad left my brother and me a little sum for our studies, but that’s not nearly enough. Which brings me to…
 a) student loans. I am absolutely terrified of loans. I am not kidding. It’s almost a phobia of mine. I could never EVER take a loan. But then what about…
 b) work after school. You see, this might even work, if I found a job. Let’s say I did; it’d be a shitty job with shitty wages. I know this, because I would not be a waitress or a receptionist or a cashier (or other job that requires me to interact with other people), because I am socially retarded and inept. But other than that it could work out.
(I’m still a rational person and as such I see not only the negative sides, but also the positive sides.)
 c) But then what would I study? I want to study animation, but animation is not something that’d bring home bread/money, at least not in my country. But it has been my life dream to make a cartoon. So if I’d fail the course or end up somehow not being able to make that cartoon, then I’d have been more of a burden than anything.
*Take a year or two off from everything and just enjoy life at my mum’s house. While it sounds easy, it’s not. If I stop my studies, even for a year, my mum will no longer get survivor’s pension, which we need to pay off the apartment leasing. So the alternative is to start working…
* I could go straight to work. As a what? Starting as a 19 year old with something like a janitor or (fingers crossed) a construction worker and then continue on like that ’til I’m retired sounds too dull. It’d suffice, but what life is that?
I want to die because, even if at first my family would have a hard time financially, it’d pay off in the long run. How I am now I wont be able to produce much money from my future job(s) and it wouldn’t really help.
And I also want to die because I wont contribute to nothing in my life. There’s no meaning. And it makes me tired to search for it.
I am tired of being alive. It sounds so cliche when I say it, but it’s true. It also makes me feel like I’m lazy. Like too lazy. Lazy enough to kill myself so I wouldn’t have to deal with life.
At the moment there are more cons than pros to suicide. Because my mum would no longer gain anything if I was dead. But I don’t want to be alive. If I wasn’t needed to pay off debts, I might not be here now.
I feel like I shouldn’t be here. Because I’m not really a depressed person going through bullying and/or abuse and/or intense emotional/physical pain…
I guess you guys can be the judge of that.
12 comments
I can’t answer all your questions but research and find a job that gives certification after so many hours of on the job training like 2000 hours that way you work and get paid and end up with a degree and then can make a lot more money, for example x ray technician. That’s one way to beat the school routenine.
Thank you, I will look into it.
I can kind of relate (in that I dislike society right now and life/people are so disappointing), so from an older student to another, here’s some advice.
Do you have connections with anybody? A teacher, a friend, a friend’s parent, an employee that you talk to easily, a dentist? In my point of view, this world is based on connections, so if you can make use of those connections, maybe they can land you a job. At least, that’s what’s worked for some people I know.
You are correct in saying that animation will not bring you much money unless you are very talented, but only you are the judge of that, so maybe you can do that as a side job when you’ve got everything settled. Also, people can get promoted even if they start menial jobs, but it depends on the boss and how hard you work.
But seriously, if you have any connections at all (aside from applying to jobs which is what I’m assuming you’ll do), definitely use them. Just because you’re not going through bullying etc… doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be here because your situation is still screwed up enough to make you tired of life.
I’ve gathered as much that you need connections to stay alive in this world. I don’t have connections myself, but I have friends who have connections, so that should work, I think.
The thing is though, at times I feel a bit too tired to bother with jobs and school and life in general.
There’re a few things that I still like to do, but how long until society’s bullshit makes me dislike that as well…
Thank you for welcoming me here though. It feels nice 🙂
You mean for being in this world or on this site
I feel as though I didn’t really gather your question.
But if you asked me what I’m tired of, then it’s the World, rather than this site. This site is cool 🙂
I’m not sure if it is
I don’t dislike it. Not yet atleast.
You don’t feel somewhat awkward for being on a suicide forum?
Well, at first, but after already contributing to it, I feel like it’s just another page where I talk to people and they talk to me. It’s relaxing. To me
You have as much right as anyone to be here. In can relate to the feeling of being tired to try with jobs/school etc it sucks and really is exhausting. Connections can help but I think you should maybe give animation a go as its something you actually enjoy. I know money is a ***** but money’s not everything. Wouldn’t your parents rather you do/try something that’ll make you happy? I know lots of people happy in their jobs that don’t get paid a lot. Hope that helps a little. Thinking of you x
Thank you for your kind thoughts. 🙂
I’m sure my mum wouldn’t mind me doing something I love. It’s just that I WANT to help them. And the only way I can is to not be a bother to them and get a job that pays a bit more than average. I’m not really greedy, I just want to help my family. But I feel like I can’t because how stupid and lazy I sometimes am.