Once again, i find myself feeling depressed. I thought I might list down my probles here:
Everyone I ever meet instanly calls me gay, sometimes even before I’ve said a word to them.
My parents often make out like im the worst child they could ever have, which I dont think I am.
I have no friends at my new school, and my good friends from my old school are replacing me.
So there you have it. Like I said in my first post, i really feel like im just Gods trash. I feel like an accident, a mistake. There is absolutely nothing good about me. I hate myself more than others hate me. Even God probably thinks: “Geez how did I stuff up so bad?” I finally realised where all my problems are coming from. Me. I am the worst person i have ever met. Dont say I need to try more new things, because I do plenty of co-curricular stuff. Unsurprisingly i am crap at them. Maybe my parents treat me like a disgusting excuse for a human being because i am one, and that goes for “friends” too. Everytime I do actually start to make a friend who doesnt think im gay, he or she discovers my true personality and decides that he or she no longer likes me. Fair enough. I dont like me either. At this moment. i just wish I could be free of my life, whether I burn in the pits of hell or I am reincarnated i dont care. I just hate myself. I DESERVE to rot and die, I deserve to be punished badly, because only those who are strong can survive in this world. People like me who have everything but cant live through it deserve to be punished. These days, i just feel horrible most of the time. I cant believe how bad a person I am. Im socially awkward, weird, stupid, ugly, annoying, creepy, cynical, judgemental, self conscious, irritable, snappish, short sighted, narrow and just a ****** over all, plus i have no talent at anything. I really hate myself, and I just wish someone would come up to me and say these things to me, because I realise that they are right. SO can someone please just offer me some advice, or at least something to make me feel better, cause I really just want out.
P.S If you say I should make connections with people I share interests with, at my school there is nobody that i share interests with. They only like sport and gaming. Oh yeah, and maybe people think that im gay because I can be a bit girly sometimes. Who knows, maybe im transgender? Another thing to add to the list of Why I Dont Deserve My place On Earth.
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9 comments
You mention people calling you gay, but with such disgust that it sounds a lot like you’re prejudiced against homosexuals. What’s wrong with people calling you gay? It’s not as if gays themselves are an insult, so why do you treat it like one? Sure, it might be annoying for people to constantly question your sexuality, but don’t you DARE go and list one of your flaws by saying ‘-and just a ****** over all’.
I want to comfort you, but you have irritated me to no end by mocking people’s sexual orientation like a freaking disease. That is ignorant, and that is your flaw.
Become a better person before you think you have the right to mock others.
You have misunderstood me. I dont have anything against gays, its just that my family would have problems with it and I just get upset that people judge me BECAUSE they think im gay and as such treat ME like a disease, I have nothing wrong with gays its just hurtful when people wont let me be friends with them because they think im gay. Sorry to have offended you in any way 🙂
Hi there friend 🙂
First of all you say that you are at school! So in my opinion you are far to young, and it would be terrible tragedy and waste to act on any of these feelings – that certainly does not mean you are not capable of feeling these terrible feelings and it would be totally irresponsible for any one to mock or trivialise them.
As humans we do have feelings and they can be wonderful or torturous and I am sorry to hear you are going through this.
Feelings are a result of our experiences good and bad, they make us who and what we are. Your feelings towards your self are clearly not positive, and I can only imagine you have had some very bad experiences on your short journey so far to make you feel this way.
When people are down sometimes what they need is just a little boost, or a little pep talk. Some people need a new sense of perspective by seeing people off worse them. Sometimes none of the above will work.
You mention about making connections with other people, this can be hard when you feel so bad about yourself. If you will, I’d like to try and relate to some of the things you have mentioned and how I have dealt with.
First of all, I am gay. I have no problem with it. I never have, never will. Your own opinion on this will depend on where you were raised, as well as family and social values. I can tell you for nothing though – there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being gay. I personally do not like gay culture or ‘the scene’ because I find it bitchy. Otherwise being gay causes no other problems, for me at least. And I don’t want to sound cliche here but if people judge you without knowing you (not that they have a right to judge you for being gay) then they really aren’t worth knowing. That’s not a ‘looser’ thing to say – that’s just something we all had to learn at some point.
And maybe your not gay – I not plenty of people who are really camp yet they are seemingly completely straight! They do no hide anything, they seem happy with their lives and just accept that they are a bit camp and accept some mindless people will try and gossip about them because they have a whole in their own empty lives and feel having a good old gossip about people fills that void by distracting them from their own lives. My point is – do NOT care what people think.
As for being Transgender – it is quite interesting that you mention that. I had a Transgender uncle, who had the operation to become female. She said she was living a lie and was running away from it. She was a wonderful person and I respect her so much for going through the change, and having to face her kids, her parents and the general public with this choice. She sadly died but was much loved by those who really knew her. If you think you are transgender then perhaps it is because you feel you are in the wrong body… that is a totally different route… Think about that one. If you feel attraction towards men then that can mean many things… nothing is bad or wrong, just different. No one is the same, sexuality is a spectrum. Everyone is different and the public are finally starting to get that 🙂
As for your comments on being ugly, stupid, etc… its very easy to get down about other things once you let your demons take hold of you. I can promise you that. It’s like a downward spiral and the more weight, or awful things you tag yourself with, the more awful things will start springing up out of nowhere. Think? have you always felt like this? Honestly. Maybe so, but do not underestimate the power of negative thinking. It’s a bad bad master.
You don’t sound stupid and being ugly is subjective. I am very strange looking and yet have a stunning partner. Life is wierd sometimes like that. Accept please we cannot change everything and we can never be ‘normal’ because there is no such thing. You are a good person, and you are young and most importantly you DO DESERVE a chance to live.
You mention your parents acting cold or hostile. Parenting I would imagine is hard work. It doesn’t come with a manual and unfortunately not everyone is that good at it. As we get older we start to see our parents more as human beings and not as foodgivers who tell us what to do. Try and see why you might feel like this and why they may be acting in a certain way towards you. I hope it is just misunderstanding… Your parents love you and it is unconditional.
Lastly you do not deserve to die. You have done nothing wrong, you are just down at the moment. And things can only get better. Give life at least a chance. You are young…
Do not give up at the first hurdle. Give it some time because suicide is often a long term solution to a short term problem. Good luck and contact me if you want to chat 🙂
Bradley
Thankyou for taking the time to write this long comment. No I am not gay as far as i know, and probably not transgender either, sometimes when i go into one of my “depressed” moods i CAN take it over the top, and now that you describe it as feeling in the wrong body, i realise that that isnt me at all. I just feel like a transgender sometimes as I go to an all-boys school and as such they are quite macho and only interested in footy, soccer, cricket and games (not that I dont like sport, I play 4 sports but not any of the popular ones). Thankyou for taking your time to write this 🙂
@hugoka, Thank you for apologizing. The way you write suggests you’re against them, I am sorry for assuming.
Hey, that’s a really cool thing about you — that you’re cool on the gay thing and understand their situation in society…
… and you get double bonus points for realizing that they are using their own hatred for gays as a weapon against you.
You’re in a bad place right now.
I know… I was bullied for most of my life in school.
From my own experience I will offer a bit of advice:
Try to tough it out until you hit 18 and graduate HS.
Then get away from there… it might be college.
As the military has dropped DADT and other descrimitary things you might go there.
Odds are you’ll find your crowd.
And as you are gay positive, your circle of friends will, by simple math, will have the potential to be wider… more real chances to bump into good people.
As a mid-40s fellow, believe my words, please.
I think I’ve earned the right to call a good young person good.
Dont get me wrong though, im not gay, not that there is anything wrong with it 🙂 thankyou for taking your time to right that, it really made me feel better as even though im not gay, i have a few traits that people often stereotype to being gay, making me feel alienated and beeing segregated. Thanks 🙂
Oh, hugoka, talentedweirdo’s advice is spot on.
And BTW… the advice I gave you… it is what I did myself.
I had a friend back in HS that came out to me.
He introduced me to some of the other gay people in HS — there were people that I had no idea were gay.
He was one of the kindest person I knew back then.
A safe place in place in the eye of the storm of bullying I suffered. And, back then, he took a big risk with me… I used to be… sadly one of the haters. (I am still sorry to this day for the horrible things I did to gays or anyone I thought was gay back then).
He took a big risk… and re-educated me.
To this day, I still think of him.
I am really serious. Sometimes as I drift to sleep.
I am so sad that I can’t remember his name.
When I left HS and went to college, I met more people who were gay and others that weren’t — and of those that weren’t some weren’t particularly manly, I would say.
(As for me… I was a straight guy who got into buying oversized shirts from the lady’s section — they were more colorful.)
But they did their own thing. The fellow had a girlfriend.
I had a girlfriemd, too.
I met more good people who were just cool.
Sometimes, back then, and even now in my 40s, a regular guy tries to I believe the term you younguns use these days is “pick me up”. I say that I’m not gay… made a couple friends this way…
… and I came to realize that my sumo size overweight brown bear appearance is not nearly as bad as I thought.
Oh… after college I stopped buying the shirts from the ladies section. Eh, fashions change… people change.
PSS,,,
While I wore the ladies shirts… I am totally not femine in any way. I looked like I could brawl if had to… and could.
I said I don’t wear ladies shirts anymore…
… but I do have a big 5″ long pink strap on my mobile phone.
… I’m colorblind… so it looks grey to me.
A co-worker said, “That coul cause problem for you. You’ll have to change that.”
I looked at him and said with a bit of laugh, “Who will bother me over this. I’m big enough to wear bright pink shirt if I wanted to.”
And, in the office, everybody sees it. Anywhere I go.
And seriously… nobody says a thing.
Even my ex-girlfriend (who I broke up with just a couple of months ago).
You are living in better times than I did.
Stick it out until you can move on to college or military or whatever gets you to that better place.