I’m such a failure.

My parents are incredibly insensitive. It is astonishing how insensitive they can be.

Yesterday I was crying my eyes out because I kept getting bad grades in math, and my mom was yelling at me to shut up. I started whispering things like, “I hate myself,” and “I’m so stupid,” and all my mom did was scream at me to get ahold of myself. A good mother would have comforted me, and told me it was going to be okay. But instead, my mom just kept screeching at me and giving me mean looks, like it was MY fault. And when my dad saw my grade in math, he started screaming at me and ranting on and on about how dumb I was and how it was his karma he had such a stupid daughter. Then, after continuing to cry for literally an hour, he started being nice to me. Wth.

I thought that maybe things would change about the topic of math and how I suck at it, but NO. Today, I accidentally yelled at my brother and he started screaming so loudly, you could hear him throughout the house. My dad started yelling at me about how my brother doesn’t medication (he has autism so he takes a lot of meds) and that I DO because I’m sooooooo dumb for yelling at my brother. Then, of course my dad had to bring up my math grade and said, “You’re such a failure at math.” And when I tried to say something, he said, “If you dare correct me, I will kill you.” And he kept repeating that same stupid line like 5 times.

Every time someone tells me I will get better at math, I feel nice instead, like there’s actually a living human being in the world who cares even just a little about me. But every time my parents say something insulting like that, I feel myself break down instead, like a balloon suddenly popping. I cry at night because of things like these. It’s not that my parents are abusive. I know my dad doesn’t mean things like “I will kill  you.” It’s that they say mean things that they don’t realize hurt me internally. When I mustered up some courage to tell my mom to stop giving me mean looks, she raised her tone EVEN LOUDER and screamed, “SHUT UP. I’M NOT GIVING YOU MEAN LOOKS.” Wow thanks mom. How nice of you.