I’ve been refusing to go to school again. I went for a full week last week but then i just said fuck it. I’m not even telling anyone i know that i’m going through a major manic depression mode again. Why should i? No one shows empathy anymore. This world only cares about materialistic and selfish desires. If i was to tell my mom i want to kill myself, (which i wouldn’t but i have in the past) it doesn’t even effect her. It’s like a common word she hears everyday,and she’ll say sorry, hun,don’t know what to do anymore. i’ve gone to plenty of different counselors, 12 schools, tonsss of medication. she’s given up,and i have too. I haven’t been on meds for about 3 years now and i don’t want to. I believe you can change the way you think with your brain. If you want to be happy, your brain has to think you’re happy. If you tell yourself, “i am sad.” you’re going to keep being sad. The weirdest part is..I don’t really want to be happy i think. Deep down, i’m content with being a manic depressed teenage girl. I’ve been sad for soooo many years, and it’s normal to me. Being happy sounds too complicated. Anyways, my mom came in my room last night and hugged me for 1 minute and said she loves me. I didn’t hug her back..i think i felt too numb. I haven’t been told “i love you” or been hugged since…can’t even recall. My mom is not a huggy person. she never hugs me or my sister or brother. probably just the way she was raised. she told me last night she could get me some mood stabilizers from a friend at work tho..so we’ll see how those turn out. My dad lives 20 minutes away and he never comes see us. I hate him. He’s 43 and is with a 20 year old ugly trailer trash skank whore. they had a baby together…weird…i know…my older sister is 19,awkward much? he only loves his new family and doesn;t care about any of us anymore. I haven’t left my room in 2 days. I need help with guitar and my dad is a pro (obviously won’t help me) but i’m frustrated. Can’t stop burning my wrists,feels amazing.
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same with me, i dont go to college sometimes because i just think theres no point as it will al just end up bad and i will fail.
Honey – maybe she finally picked up on how badly you feel. Maybe after all this time she shut her trap and looked at you and considered what you must be feeling instead of the I DUNNO WHAT TO DO schtick.
The numbness…well you feel horrible. It is part of depression. It is hard to recall any good time in life, right? Everything is painted flat black. And combine that with your mom so afraid to lose you that she has perhaps numbed herself to your feeling this way. She is probably scared of losing you and does not know what to do to effect a change. But she did try – through a hug – and sometimes non verbal communication can say what a person cannot speak.
She is a person too. As a mom, I would fight for my kids no matter how protracted they felt badly. I would kick the ass of depression right along with them. Why? Because I have been there all my life. Nothing feels as supportive as a person looking into your eyes and nodding – demonstrating they hear you and accept how you feel.
So many people are HELL BENT on FIXING it without LISTENING to what you have to say. You need to be HEARD and someone needs to know how devastated you feel with this shit. When someone is brave enough to do so – it opens a door for you.
My own family has SCREAMED at me – made fun of me – ignored me hoping I would pull the fucking trigger. Why? Because they are used to manipulating others to do what THEY feel is best without ever just shutting the fuck up and HEARING your testimony.
They were part of my depression. They are a huge reason I grew up with this crap. Why I ever thought I could entrust them with how I felt is beyond me.
It sounds as though your mom is a loving person. She is probably afraid and numbed herself. But she did hug you? Maybe you were also numb because you have gotten used to NOT being hugged.
i am so sorry about your dad and you. That is a hell of a burden to carry without help.
Do NOT take mood stabilizers in your current state of mind if they were not prescribed for you by your doctor. The last thing you need is to be put on the wrong one, wrong dose.
There are HUGGY people out there. I am one of them and not in an icky way. I am a mom who hates to see young people like you needing something so simple to connect and have hope.
Here is my HUG to you. Hang in there and believe me – you can beat this shit/.